How to definitely get into Brown next admissions cycle

Hello! Have you stumbled upon this post in the hopes of finding the key to getting your son or daughter into college? Are you fretting about securing little Johnny or Kate a spot at the right school? In the wake of Operation Varsity Blues (that is actually the name), it may be a little soon to go for the traditional and accepted route of bribing an admissions officer or paying off a sailing coach. If you’re wondering how, exactly, to get into Brown next admissions cycle, here are a few tips: 

1. Suggest that your child embark on a full professional career prior to applying to college. Start on that consulting track now, and maybe your child will have a leg up on every person at Brown who is currently interested in consulting (but couldn’t actually define what that means).
2. Perhaps, in lieu of photoshopping your applicant’s face onto the body of an athlete for the purpose of a fake sports profile, hire an actual professional athlete as a body double to impersonate your child and play sports for him. If there’s one thing you should learn from She’s the Man or The Parent Trap or Mrs. Doubtfire or any movie with some form of body doubling, it’s that this strategy always works!
3. Apply as a main green Spike Ball recruit, because there is nothing that demonstrates the vigor of Brown athletics like spike ball.
4. Give Brown all of your life savings. Sell your house, pawn your possessions, donate it all.
5. Apply under several assumed identities. Maybe one of your falsified backgrounds of triumph over hardship will catch the eye of the admissions office. Better create several identities, complete with new social security numbers, to be safe. That’s how probability works, right?
6. Lie about your child's extracurriculars. Everyone does this. Of course, Maisie was the president of her high school's Tagalog Honor Society, and we both know you can't prove otherwise.
7. Falsify your child's transcript. He's now taken 100 APs and scored 5s on every exam. Everyone definitely does this, too.
8. Sneak away during your tour and locate the tunnels under Wriston. Your child can burrow down there and occupy them until he or she is of appropriate college age. Brown's admissions policies do have a "squatter's rights" section!
9. Follow the example of the “bottled water guy” from Fyre. Desperate times, man…

 Best of luck in the admissions process! Hopefully the FBI won’t catch on this time around.Images via and via Kelly Carey-Ewend '19