Breaking Vegetarianism for Shake Shack

The first thing you have to know about me is that I was and am a bad vegetarian. Like, I generally do a good job sticking to the whole 'no meat' thing, but I'm actually not that into vegetables or my wellbeing in general. Most of my time as a vegetarian has been me just substituting meat with straight up bread and occasionally hate-eating a salad. So, what I'm trying to say is that, while this post is most definitely about the science of seeing how good a Shake Shack burger really is, it may or may not also be stemming from a personal longing for a legitimate excuse to (1) spend six dollars on a tiny burger and (2) actually eat it.Anyways, onto the journey. I was hoping this meal was going to be a quick in-and-out stop; I was going to get my anti-planet cheeseburger and run out of there before anyone saw me. That is not what happened. The line stretched out of the door into the fairly chilly Providence evening. This is where I was going to give up, but then they started bringing around free tote bags. At that point, I recommitted to the mission. The tote giver came over to us and said, "who wants a tote?" Logically, I said, "I want a tote." Then, he asked us to chant Shake Shack if we wanted a tote. I submitted to the system. It was then that I became too emotionally invested in Shake Shack to leave the line.Here are the totes. Honestly beautiful.However, I would like to formally apologize to the mother and daughter in line in front of me for putting up with my impatience that mostly translated into a lot of loud groan-screaming. To quote my notes, "Regret. Line so long. Cold. Tummy ache." The tummy ache was from the three sample containers of fries I ate mingling with the yerba and double chocolate cookie I had snagged from the blue room for the wait. This did not seem like the best way to reintroduce my body to meat, but I tried to push that thought aside.Around here, my mom called me to tell me about the full moon. I said, "Mom, I'm fucking with vegetarianism for a blog post." She told me she was proud of me. Yes, I have a cool mom.After that, my two emotional support friends (shouts Maria and Alison) and I finally were told we could enter THE Shack Shake. It was a true miracle. Of course, there was still an inside line to get through but, by now, we were hyped. However, I questioned yet again whether or not writing this post would be hilarious or just a really poorly aimed joke. Ali gave me a very enlightened speech that vegetarianism is something you can take as seriously as you want to. I listened to her and ordered a shake burger with no tomatoes.We got our weird future buzzers and somehow snagged a table. Maria noted that she was going to "eat the shit out of this burger." Coincidentally, Maria accidentally ate dog shit once. I'm including this information as commentary on what meat-eaters are capable of mistaking for food.Me with the gateway to my cheeseburger.The buzzer, believe it or not, buzzed. "One shakeburger with no tomatoes and a lemonade for Alyssa?" random Shake Shack worker said. I said yes even though my name is Alisa (a common mistake). Now, it was just me and the burger. I decided to wait for my friends to get their food before I ate since I'm polite like that. They disappeared for a while when their buzzers buzzed. I felt really lonely and self-hating.Moving on, they came back. Two burgers, two shakes, one lemonade, one order of chicken nuggets, and three girls ready to watch one of them do something stupid because she couldn't think of a post for the Blognonian this week.ahhhhhhh.I'm going to be honest, that burger was gone in less than a minute. I like to think of Shake Shack burgers as the shots of the burger world. That excessively buttery bun and ultra thin patty don't really give you a lot of time to ruminate on why you're there on opening day instead of studying for your midterm; I appreciated that energy.Essentially, eating that burger was a breath of fresh meaty air. Was eating it worth the soul-crushing stomach pain immediately afterward? Most definitely not. Will I do it again? Yeah, probably at some point. In the meantime, I am going to stay being the worst vegetarian at Brown University.Until next time! Images via Alisa Caira '22