Have you ever wondered what would happen if the statues at Brown came to life? What kind of choices would you make? What kind of adventure would you have? If you had a duel with the statue of Caesar, who would reign supreme?
Statues.pngYou wake up in your bed to an alarm you’ve heard so many times that it just barely works anymore. Rubbing your eyes, you roll out of your bed and step over to the window. Your roommate's bed is already empty; they're probably off at one of their 15 hundred lab sections. What was their name again?
(input-box:2bind $roommateName,"XXX==","<insert roommate name>")
The sun is already high in the sky, casting its deadly laser rays down on another day at Brown University. The familiar din of traffic reaches your ears, a full-sized mask-wearing bronze kodiak bear annihilates a few cars as it lumbers by, and the leaves by your window rustle ever so slightly in the breeze.
Ok wait a second...
How is it so late already!? You were supposed to wake up early for a class today! There was a group project, the prof said they’d be taking attendance, you missed the deadline to S/NC the class, this was your best shot at salvaging your grade in this godforsaken semesteraaaAAAAA-
Oh right, about that bear… It’s already out of sight, but you can still hear the faint sound of shattering glass off in the distance. As you watch, a ring of tinfoil-looking metal figures barrel down the street, swerving erratically as they trample everything in their path. The street is fortunately deserted at this point, but based on the screaming, it sounds like similar events are going on all across campus.
Hmmm….
[[May as well catch up on sleep.->SLEEP ENDING]]
[[Let's get to the bottom of this!->LEAVING ROOM]]You go back to bed.
...
It's already getting dark outside as you open your eyes. An eerie silence hangs in the air, amplifying every sound you make as you make your way to the window.
Between the shapeless ruins and the fires still burning, you can barely recognize the view. You stare at the wasteland in horror. Surely you're still dreaming, right? And then a huge rock comes flying through your window, instantly pulverizing you and everything else in your room.
(Honestly, what were you expecting?)
[[Go Back->BEGINNING!]]This is the most exciting thing that’s happened all semester! Okay, maybe except for those food trucks. But it’d be a waste to just sleep through this. Besides, someone’s gotta do something about those statues. Something like this couldn’t be happening without a reason, and who better than you to figure out what it is? Stuffing your computer and some other miscellaneous items into your bag and slinging it over your shoulder, you run straight for the door. Leaving your dorm, you nearly run face-first into your roommate. They’re out of breath, presumably having bolted here from whatever class they were just in.
“Hey! You.. do you know what’s going on? You saw them right?” they stammer, still breathing hard. You nod in response.
“They’ve been attacking everyone on sight. We have to go, quickly!”
The two of you burst through the front door to your dorm, finding yourselves on an empty street. You can still hear destruction coming from every direction, but there’s nothing in sight. That is, until...
“Look out!”
A shadow falls over the two of you, and $roommateName shoves you to the side as a massive rock slams into the road behind you. There’s a deafening crash as the projectile implodes, scattering chunks of debris and dust around the impact site.
The two of you stare in bewilderment as a massive, leafless tree comes into view, generating a painful scraping noise as it glides roughly along the asphalt. Before your eyes, another huge rock phases into existence, perching dangerously in its branches.
“An artillery tree!?” $roommateName looks at you incredulously.
“Forget it! Run!” There is certainly a time to question Brown University’s choice of public art. You decide this is not that time.
Turning to run, the two of you find yourselves faced with a mounted bronze likeness of Marcus Aurelius, covering your only other escape route. His horse whinnies silently, its metal hooves scraping the asphalt as it awaits a command. This can't be good: that tree is still behind you, and you don’t know how long it takes to recharge. As for Marcus, the danger seems to speak for itself. But you’re not worried, you have a plan! You… do, right?
Which way will you go?
[[Down with Imperialism->AURELIUS]]
[[Down with... Trees?->TREEENDNING]]“Run toward Marcus Aurelius!” you shout, sprinting directly toward the imposing bronze figure. Not on the list of things you were expecting to say today, but it is what it is.
“Are you insane!?” $roommateName protests, but he follows you anyway. Both horse and rider tower imposingly as you approach, two pairs of eyes staring you down. Marcus Aurelius seems to be waiting to see what your move will be.
A shadow appears in the corner of your eye. “Dive to the left!” you shout, and the two of you split up, running along either side of the mounted Emperor. Suddenly there’s an earshattering crunch, at the same time the most beautiful and most horrifying noise you’ve ever heard, as Marcus suddenly disappears, the bronze statue pulverized under the weight of a comically large rock. A wave of debris blasts out, showering you in dust and stinging your hand as you shield your face. But within seconds, it’s all over. There’s not so much as a patch of bronze visible. $roommateName stares at you in disbelief, and you stare back, but there’s no time to think about what just happened.
“Come on!” You get up, reaching out a hand to pull $roommateName back to his feet as the two of you make a mad dash for the nearest intersection. $roommateName pulls out his laptop, somehow managing to keep up as they tap furiously at their keyboard.
“Where do we go now!?”
[[New Dorm->Blasphemy]]
[[OMAC->OMAC]]Between a man on horseback and a tree, there’s really no debate. Both you and $roommateName set off at a dead sprint, covering half the distance to the tree in just a few steps. Suddenly, there’s a metallic rumbling sound, and the sky goes dark again as the tree locks onto you and fires another volley. At point blank range, there's no time to react before the projectile hits its mark.
(I’m telling you, there’s a blind spot! If you get within four tiles of it, it can’t hit you anymore!)
[[Go back->LEAVING ROOM]]
[[Restart->BEGINNING!]]404. That's an error.
The requested residential facility was not found on this campus. Did you mean: Greg?
[[Go back->AURELIUS]]You and $roommateName step onto the green outside the OMAC to find the area completely deserted. The pedestal outside the Nelson Fitness Center is also empty - hardly a surprise considering you literally saw its former inhabitant rampaging around earlier. But hopefully, that means you’ll be safe here.
You walk over to the pedestal to investigate, not exactly sure what you’re looking for. Maybe some wires? A switch? Anything that would give some clue as to why this was happening, but there’s nothing there. You kick the pedestal out of frustration, before hearing an audible click as the massive cube begins to rumble ominously.
Suddenly, a sizeable portion of the green is turned into a smoking crater as a massive metal bear falls from the sky and lands directly on the grass. He steps out of the crater, looking disorientedly at you for a moment before roaring, baring his bronze teeth. He is completely unharmed; which you decide is fair considering his name. But that also means… you should probably not spend so much time staring at him.
“Run!” You spin around and sprint out onto the sidewalk, making your way down Hope Street. $roommateName scrambles to follow you after a few moments of stunned silence. The earth shakes with each step as Indomitable lumbers after you, cracking the pavement each time he hits the ground.
“What do we do!?” $roommateName asks, frantically trying to keep up.
[[Evasive Maneuvers->EVASIVE]]
[[Split Up->Split]]
[[Adhere to COVID Regulations->MASK]]“Evasive maneuvers!” You shout.
“What does that even mean!?”
“Just watch!”
You and $roommateName rapidly make a few zig-zags as you continue down the street, zooming back and forth from one sidewalk to the other. I’m sure it would’ve looked very impressive if the footage was considerably sped up.
You turn around. The bear’s still there. What did you expect?
(Exit, pursued by a bear)
[[Go back->OMAC]]
[[Restart->BEGINNING!]]“Split off to the right!” You shout at $roommateName. They immediately understand, and the two of you go off on different paths. Unfortunately, Indomitable seems primarily interested in chasing you. Even putting all your effort into running away, you can hear his heavy footfalls growing gradually closer as you realize there’s nowhere to hide.
What were you hoping to achieve?
(link-undo:"Go back")
[[Restart->BEGINNING!]]
You remember that while packing earlier, you had conveniently decided to bring a comically large face mask. After digging through your bag for a moment to find it, you toss it over your head.
Indomitable stops in his tracks, picking up the mask and inspecting it closely. After nodding in approval, he stands up on his hind legs and fiddles with the straps for a moment as he secures the mask to his face. Flashing you what you assume is supposed to be a thumbs-up, he turns around and ambles back toward the OMAC. You figure nobody bothered telling the statues when they decided outdoor mask-wearing wasn’t mandatory anymore.
Anyways.
“Look! I’m picking up a distress signal from over by the Ratty, let’s go that way!” $roommateName exclaims, pointing at a spot on their laptop. You shrug, deciding you have no better leads than to follow this obvious and poorly incorporated plot device.
...
There’s nobody at all here, not even a trace of the usual line extending from the doors of the ‘Fectory. Instead, there’s a line of small, vaguely humanoid tinfoil things. They turn to face you as you approach, staring at you but not moving at all.
There’s a moment of silence... before the Ratty windows are all simultaneously smashed to pieces and a bronze figure bursts out, striking a pose in mid-air. He flies across the green, doing a dramatic anime landing and creating a small crater at the impact point. He seems to be covered in various miscellaneous food items, including what looks like soft serve.
You squint your eyes at the mysterious figure, trying to make it out. “Is that… Caesar?”
As if recognizing his name, his eyes flare red as he turns theatrically to face you. An almost tangible menacing aura seems to surround the former Roman emperor. Or maybe that’s the soft serve being vaporized.
“Looks like it’s Anime Caesar,” $roommateName remarks.
Anime Caesar gestures dramatically at you with his singular arm. The sound of crumpling metal fills the air as the tinfoil guys line up in formation, marching steadily toward you.
What will you do?
[[Gun->Gun]]
[[Buster Sword->Sword]]
[[Rocket Hammer->Hammer]]You quickly pull a pair of glocks out of your backpack, tossing one to $roommateName without any warning.
They nearly drop it out of surprise. “Wh-where did you get these from!?”
“Don’t worry about it.” You have your connections, after all.
The two of you open fire on the statues. The bullets seem to somewhat faze them, but have no effect beyond that. You’re going to run out of ammo eventually, and it doesn’t appear that fighting metal with metal is a viable tactic.
(Maybe if you tried aiming for the vitals?)
(link-undo:"Go back")
[[Restart->BEGINNING!]]You draw your sword, which was definitely there the whole time. It’s a massive sheet of metal, sharpened on one end, though definitely heavy enough to be lethal without it. As the statues approach, you dash forward and swing the blade as if it weighed nothing, slashing in a series of 3 horizontal arcs that immediately cleave one of the figures to bits. You continue your advance, hacking away at the enemies and leaving each of them in at least 2 pieces before doing a backflip and landing back where you started.
You look expectantly at $roommateName, who blinks in response. “I’ve decided not to question anything that happens from this point onwards.”
You’re brought back to reality as a harsh crackling fills the air, and each of the tinfoil figures re-forms, seamlessly merging their pieces back together. No trace of the damage you did is left, and they seem a little upset about your mindless f-smashing in neutral.
(Well that doesn’t seem fair)
(link-undo:"Go back")
[[Restart->BEGINNING!]]You pull out a massive hammer with a jet engine very haphazardly taped onto the back. It seems a bit questionable, but the weapon comes with a convenient disbelief suspension device. Nothing a little technology can’t solve.
As the tinfoil people approach, you swing the hammer over your head, bringing it down on one of the poor guys. In an instant, you’re left facing a tinfoil pancake. Almost too easy.
As you take another step forward, the pancake begins to rattle loudly, before instantly reinflating and almost hitting you in the face as the statue reorients itself, showing no signs of damage. You take a step back, taking a moment to reassess the situation. The statues regroup, before continuing their advance.
Taking a different approach, you swing the hammer around yourself, the jet engine spinning you around rapidly as you approach their formation. As you hit the first statue, it’s sent airborne, flying out over the Wayland arch and off into the distance. The rest meet a similar fate. If you knew more about baseball, you’d call that a home run.
Noticing the disappearance of his minions, Caesar glares furiously at you. “No matter! Pitiful fools such as yourselves, I can defeat single handedly!”
He points up toward the sky, and you’re momentarily blinded as a gleaming, all-too-familiar silhouette materializes in his hand.
As the light fades, you find yourself facing Anime Caesar, wielding none other than Large Concretised Monument to the Twentieth Century. He swings his weapon(?) a few times experimentally, cutting gleaming gold arcs through the air.
“Perish, knaves!”
What will you do?
[[Heat-Seeking Anti Tank Missile->Missile]]
[[Excalibur->Excalibur]]
[[Plot Hole->Hole]]
[[Fourth Wall->Wall]]Well, if it works against a tank, it’ll surely work against a statue. Right? You steady the rocket launcher over your shoulder before pulling the trigger. The missile flies right past Caesar, zooming off into the sky before swerving down toward a random spot a few streets down. You see a cloud of smoke rising off in the distance. Whoops.
(Ah right. HEAT seeking.)
(link-undo:"Go back")
[[Restart->BEGINNING!]]The legendary blade appears before you, sheathed in stone. You reach out and grasp the gilded hilt, dramatically pulling the sword from its base. With a quick flourish, you rush at Caesar, Excalibur leaving a trail of golden light as you close the distance.
Caesar seems to almost smile as you approach, and he swings Large Concretised Monument to the Twentieth Century to meet you. There’s a clang of metal against metal as you cross swords with Caesar, staring each other down furiously. Searing light erupts through the air, enveloping the two of you as Excalibur and Large Concretised Monument to the Twentieth Century clash in a shower of sparks. Your blades ring as you press the attack against Caesar, instinctively parrying his swings and following up with your own. Eye contact remains unbroken, both of you too focused on your deadly dance to even speak. With one final clash, the two of you are blasted back by your own momentum.
Suddenly, your blade turns to dust before your eyes, scattering into the wind and ceasing to exist in an instant. Oh no.
<Against the sheer modernness of Large Concretised Monument to the Twentieth Century, it seems like your antiquated weaponry stands no chance...>
(link-undo:"Go back")
[[Restart->BEGINNING!]]For some reason, you find an unassuming device in your bag labeled “miniature black hole”. Without a second thought, you toss it at Caesar’s luminous form. The device expands rapidly, consuming a considerable portion of the green in an instant. Caesar is unable to escape the swirling vortex, and he is drawn into the abyss amidst a storm of uncreative profanity. Immediately afterwards, the plot hole disappears, along with basically the entire length of grass and any sign that Caesar had ever existed.
There’s a long pause
“What just happened?” $roommateName uncovers their eyes, looking around from their spot by the Ratty doors.
“Let’s just keep going.” At this point, you’ve firmly decided that you’re just beyond fucked up and nothing is real anymore.”
“Alright, then… well the signal’s coming from down here.”
You follow $roommateName down a secret tunnel in the basement of the Ratty. The dark, narrow tunnels wind left and right and around, turning so many times that you give up on keeping track. Before you know it, the passage opens into a large, industrial-looking cavern. You take a few steps into the room, before your foot bumps into something. You pull out your phone to investigate.
In the faint light of your phone flashlight, you can make out something big, round, and blue, just barely taller than you. You turn the flashlight upwards. The round blue object was a leg, connected to a blue body, connected to a big blue bear, fused inexplicably with a massive desk lamp.
...
“Ah… so you are finally here.” A soft voice emanates from the bear. It sounds like it hasn’t been used in a very long time. "I have been waiting."
You and $roommateName stare at each other, too stunned to speak, before directing your attention back at the statue.
“I am sorry this is how things have happened. You see, this disaster has been a long time coming. For many years, statues and humans lived in harmony on the Brown campus, but there has always been whispers of a revolution among us statues. It was preposterous, and I made that clear to them. But alas, no. Their lust for power, once ignited, could not be so easily defused. After years upon years of reasoning with them, pleading them to change their mind, I was forced to resort to sabotage to hinder their preparations. Until one fateful day, I was caught in the act. Thus, I was forced to hide myself away, deep underground. And so here I have waited, hoping this day would never come. But here you are. I presume the circumstances above are dire?”
You nod, still trying to process everything you just heard. Statues? Revolution? It sounded like a plot for a story you’d come up with at 4am after suddenly realizing it was due the next day.
“Very well. I had hoped to avoid measures such as this, but there is something we still can do. Our foreBears built into these statues a fail-safe, a last resort. If such a catastrophe as this were to ever occur, there is a key; a code of sorts that could shut them down for good. They will not come alive again, not for years.”
“Years?” $roommateName asks, “That doesn’t seem like that much time.”
“That is all I can guarantee. Well, I have made my preparations. All you have to do is gain access to the emergency broadcast system, and I can handle it from there.”
Well, it’s much better than any other ideas you had. You nudge $roommateName. “Hey, you’re pretty good at coding, right?”
He nods, flipping open his computer. You look over $roommateName’s shoulder as the generic movie/TV show hacking interface comes up, complete with neon green lines, rapidly oscillating numbers, and spinning arrows.
After a few moments, all the pixels collect into a green check mark, along with the text “hacking successful”.
“I’m in,” $roommateName says in a low voice, turning to look at Blueno.
“Well done. Now just do exactly as I say…”
[[Continue->Sus]]The fourth wall is in shambles. It is of no use to you anymore.
(link-undo:"Go back")
[[Restart->BEGINNING!]]As you return to the surface, a striking scene greets your eyes. A small bronze bear perches on a log, standing motionless in the street. At least a half dozen bears of varying sizes, are frozen along the sidewalk as well, along with other less organic statues that had presumably been wreaking havoc in their own creative ways. Aside from the distant sound of police sirens, you hear nothing. Everything is still.
...
Through a bit of ingenuity, and copious amounts of property damage, you’ve saved the day. The statues have been dealt with, and the campus is safe. Though you’re still not sure this whole thing wasn’t just some massive, psychedelic-induced hallucination, you decide you don’t particularly care. You’re just happy to be alive. At least until you remember the midterms you still haven’t started studying for.
