The College Tour
Hi! My name might be Stacy and it might be Katie, but you’ve already forgotten and it doesn’t matter at all, and I’ll be giving your tour today! A little bit about me: I’m an Electrical Engineering and Gender Studies major, and in my free time… I give tours! All of the other guides seemed way more interesting, but you’re stuck with me! Ha ha. Ready? Rather than move in a linear route, our campus tour is going to take a path that doubles back on itself as many times as possible. In addition, I’ll be walking backward the entire time, so instead of paying attention to what I say, feel free to nervously concentrate on the possibility that I might smack into a lamppost.
Our first stop is a gate with a crazy story! Students are only allowed to walk through this gate twice: once when they start school, and once when they graduate! If they walk through the gate before then, they won’t graduate! Endearing, right?! Don’t walk through the gate!
In an insane twist, students here aren’t just confined to the classroom. We have 31 Division I athletic teams, but we’ll remain vague on their skill level. If you’re interested in playing a sport at a less competitive level, we offer 42,000 club athletic teams that you can join. And for the truly apathetic, the university offers noncompetitive intramural teams in an infinite number of sports. As for other extracurriculars, we are one of the only colleges in the country with what’s known as "a cappella" groups. These are student ensembles who -- hang on to your socks -- sing without musical accompaniment, and we are proud to have 9 groups on campus. If you don’t see the club you’d like to belong to here on campus -GET THIS- you can start your own.
Our next stop is the new, $10-billion dollar Vandergelder Computer Science Building. Many, many donors contributed to the fundraising campaign for this building, so rather than name it after just one of them, we picked the whitest name we could think of. Don’t stare directly at the “Vandy,” as we like to call it; it is covered with ultra-reflective solar panels and will literally blind you. The Vandy will be finished and ready for student use the year after you graduate.
Across from the Vandergelder, we have the building which houses the English and History departments. This building does not have a name, as it is more a piled-up collection of plywood than an actual structure. Thanks to a successful fundraising campaign last year, the university gifted the English Department a packet of loose roof shingles which they’ve used to protect themselves from rain. Our wish list for next year includes a plumbing system, blackboards, and walls.
Let me take a moment now to stop walking and REemphasize that you can start your own club here.
OK! Ready? We’re going to walk around the gate (but not through it… it’s a ridiculous old joke but I’m dead serious) and up the hill to the dining hall. The food here is excellent, and I’m not just saying that because they pay me to give tours. We have vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, and taste-free options, and a daily burger and salad buffet. Each bite is seasoned with the tiniest bit of guilt in knowing that this money could’ve gone to the financial aid package for just one more underprivileged student.
We’re going to end our tour here, in a spot most notable for being the furthest place on campus away from your car. Before I let you all go, though, I thought I’d do something truly unique and tell you all why I chose this university. Rather than form complete sentences, though, let me just throw out some buzzwords to save time: Community. Environment. Perfect fit. Also, my last name is Vandergelder, but that had nothing to do with it. That’s it, folks! I’ll stand here awkwardly waiting for applause, and then you’re free to go!
And you guys-- you can start your own club here!
Image via.