I shit you not: Metcalf Research Building

Ah, shit, it’s been some time since we’ve visited some bathrooms, hasn’t it? Worry not, for I return to you with a bathroom that receives my approval. 

The bathroom under scrutiny is the bathroom on the fourth floor of Metcalf Research Building. Metcalf lies in the Ruth J. Simmons quad and is home to the CLPS department. It lies in the line of sight of the godly Blueno and sits across from Hegeman/Caswell. 

The fourth floor (and therefore the bathroom) is rather accessible. There are stairs if you wish to subject yourself to a short (Met)calf workout, but there is also a large elevator in this recently renovated building that will do the job. The interior is really colorful, adorned with reds and oranges in the staircase and on the walls. The bathroom of interest is located in the lounge area of the fourth floor, just outside of one of the experimental suites. (420, if any of you are curious. Hah.)

The lounge is so homely. The elevator opens right into the open, carpeted room. A kitchen(ish) is set up on one side of the room, and couches sit in the middle, ready for you to make yourself at home. If I didn’t desperately need to take a shit, I would’ve curled up right then and there and fallen asleep. 

Once you exit the elevator, you have to turn right into the little nook that holds suite 420. There are two bathrooms, both single-user and accessible, and a water fountain in case you’re needing a little thirsty after bathroom activities. I promptly entered the bathroom to my right. 

My choice did lead me to think about how we make these kinds of decisions. I’m right handed, and I favor turning to my right over my left, not because things on my left are inherently worse, but just because I’m just so used to going to my right. It makes me wonder how many people go into each bathroom - does the right bathroom (when entering the nook) have more users than the left? Are most of the people who enter the left bathroom the students who work in the experimental suite, since that bathroom is on their right? Who knows. 

It’s kinda weird that the bathroom is numbered, and on top of the door. Who the hell looks at the top of the door? Why not just put it on the restroom sign? Why number it in the first place? The entire building, as nice as it is, has a whacky numbering system and lacks some room numbers that would logically come next. Maybe it’s because these room numbers are taken up by bathrooms that are labeled on the top of the door instead of the sign. 

Side note: If you live in a college dorm and you see a loose custodial sign, it makes for great decoration. Just make sure to take it down during room inspections because it’s technically an infraction.

The bathroom itself is alright. The lock is a little funny, and doesn’t click in the satisfying way that you’d think a lock should, and so you might sit on the toilet staring at the door in hopes that no one walks in on you, but I assure you that it does, in fact, lock. There’s hooks on the back of the door that were able to hold my 10-15 lbs bag. Since it is the top floor, the room is a little slanted, but given that you’re probably not 8 feet tall, you should be fine. The lighting is a bit funny but it’s not significantly out of the ordinary to receive a harsh critique. 

I appreciate how many access-friendly handrails there are. It’s also a rather spacious bathroom, meaning you will never have to worry about leg room (unless you do an extreme manspread on the toilet. I can’t help you out there.) The toilet paper is...drum roll...single-ply. As someone who buys their own toilet paper, it’s always a shocker to go back to the University-issued shitty stuff, but it does do the job. Kind of. It doesn’t clean as well and you’ll probably have to wipe a lot more often, really wearing out your butthole, but that’s...life. 

This bathroom is yet another one of those that has a shower in it. It is access-friendly, and has a place to sit down while showering, and has two different shower heads: the cobra-style that you can hold onto or the one that’s stuck to the wall. It’s got ledges to hold your toiletries and such. It’s not as spacious or nice-looking at the one in the ERC, but it’s still functional and nice. It’s clean, above all, and didn’t appear to have any hair in the drain when I went. 

Another side note: If you use a communal shower, please, for the love of God, clean the fucking drain. It’s disgusting when the water doesn’t drain, and then pops off your clump of hair from the drain and you’re left standing in a small bath of dirty shower water with a floating island of hair swishing about. I understand that it’s easy to forget about, but the people who use the shower after you do not forget and remain traumatized by the furry little island forever. 

I want to spend some time talking about the logistics of shitting in this bathroom. Besides the small issue with the lock, this toilet is actually really nice. It’s really comfortable, and I was shocked to sit down in it and feel...okay.

This toilet seat hugs your little booty and legs. It not only supports you, but it cradles you and it makes you feel loved. Upon closer examination, I noticed that the seat is slightly different from most of the other toilet seats on campus. 

This toilet seat is from Rhode Island Hall. It’s functional and fine, but when you look at the shape of the seat, you notice that it’s quite different from the seat in Metcalf. This seat doesn’t cherish your butt. This toilet only supports you. You sit on it. You shit through it. But the Metcalf seat is curved inwards, almost guiding your butt to perform its bodily function. It’s like a good pillow. You’re satiated with most pillows. It is what it is. You recognize that it does its job, and you don’t actually have any complaints with it. But once you’ve upgraded to a pillow that hugs you back, a pillow that comforts you...you can’t go back. You can’t go back to something that is so cold and harsh against you. You’ve tasted love, and you need more of it. 

I normally don’t seek out bathrooms in order to shit if I really need to go, but I’m reconsidering my policies. I want my butt to be cradled as I shit. Metcalf is also so central in its location that I could probably afford the extra minute or so to get to the bathroom if it meant I could feel loved. Heck, I’m already missing this bathroom.

Goodbye, Metcalf bathroom, the new love of my life. I hope people come to cherish you. 

Images via MJ Lee '22.