How to get kinky over thanksgiving break
Listen up first years: It’s thanksgiving break, which means it’s the first time since becoming a ~college student~ that you won’t be surrounded by endless ratty buffets, pregames down the hall, afterparties at Joe’s, and, most importantly, 1500 other horny freshman. But don’t you worry, just because you’ll be sleeping in your childhood bedroom doesn’t mean you can’t get a ‘lil kinky! Here are some of our best tips on how to keep thanksgiving break saucy (and we’re not just talking about the gravy ;) )
1. Don’t delete your tinder
Now that you’re back in your hometown as a ~college student~, it’s actually quite useful to have tinder because everyone else from your high school will also have a tinder. Trust me. Hop on, shrink that radius (2 miles?), lower that age range, and there you have it. Always eyed Tommy the trombone player in marching band? Now you can send him an eggplant emoji without having to face him in class the next morning. Wonder what class president Beth is doing now? She got a tramp stamp of Rachel Maddow and is looking hella fine. People surprise you, and now’s the time to hop on in.
2. Get your childhood bedroom ready for a good time
This one’s really up to you. Some people prefer to hide their American Girl Dolls, while voyeurs may find it sexy (?) when historically accurate girls stare at you wide-eyed while you get it on. Maybe take down that picture of you holding the torah at your bat mitzvah, or keep it up as a constant reminder of how far you’ve come since you grinded on Ethan Rosenbaum in front of your aunt and uncle.
3. Get your drank on (responsibly)*
Now that you’re a **cultured** college student, you can have a glass of mom and dad’s chardonnay. You’ve learned your limits (at 3am in the Emwool bathroom), decided Franzia is economically efficient but too low-class for your mature taste-buds, and now you’re ready to drink responsibly and have intellectual conversations about all you’ve learned in Principles of Economics. So pour yourself a glass of that chardonnay, sit down on the couch, and get loose. This’ll take away any nerves for your holiday hookups.
4. Drown out the noise
Sex in your parent’s house can be a risky endeavor. The house is lurking with nosy b*tches: Mom, Dad, your little brother, even your horny motherf*cking cat who likes to watch you get dressed. So don’t let on that you’re bringing someone over late at night. Perhaps put on a foreign language film you have to watch for class to drown out the noise. Or show off your new, *cultured* music taste you’ve developed in the *alt scene* at Brown. (Rex Orange County? Clairo? How unique!)
5. Get creative with leftovers
Don’t want to make your thanksgiving sandwich soggy with too much gravy? No need to fear, that sauce isn’t going to waste. This greasy, slippery thanksgiving delight be used to help make for a ~silky smooth~ holiday hookup like no other ;) Plus, I heard wishbones are the new dildos!
Alright you horny f*cks, while you run to make your Amtrak back to your sad suburban town, don’t forget: just because you’re back in Westchester/Long Island/The Bay Area/Nondescript Massachusetts Suburb you can still get your freak on.
*Blog does not endorse underage drinking