How to Con Your Professors into Giving You an A
It’s now officially crunch time. It may just now be dawning on you that we are entering the final stretch of this sorry semester. You may just have only a few assignments left in each course and, if the sight of the Grades tab on Canvas brings about an accelerated heartbeat or a general sensation of apprehension and fear for you, then it may be time to devise some real strategy. It’s time to convince your professors that you deserve an A, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Here are a few foolproof tips and tricks to receive the academic validation you need to go on and to be allowed to return home next break.
First off, I’d suggest resisting your usual bored Internet scroll during class. Perhaps even consider removing your AirPods and attempting to present a neutral or even friendly expression when the professor glances at you. It may sound unlikely, but professors are just as insecure as everyone else, so shoot your prof a reassuring glance or even a thumbs up next time you make eye contact during lecture. This would boost their fragile self-esteem and make them forever grateful to you.
Next, drag yourself to office hours. Come bearing gifts, like the classic apple, interesting new book in a relevant field, or even a $30,000 bonus. This will show your professor that you care about them and that you’re not afraid to demonstrate your affection through material goods. If the bonus seems like a stretch, perhaps unpack a Ratty candlelit dinner onto your prof’s desk and lean towards them inquisitively. Say, “So, tell me about yourself. Can you tell me about your intellectual journey?” and you’ll be off to the races. Bonus points if you can somehow bring yourself to feign interest in their dusty subject matter, or even recite excerpts from their published work verbatim. This choice demonstrates an interest/borderline obsession that will work in your favor.
Shush others when they talk in lecture. Resist the urge to start noisily packing up at the end of class and glare disapprovingly at your peers who do. It’s no fun being a narc, but it’s unfortunately necessary at this stage.
Start outfitting yourself in truly zany ensembles. Kooky outfits, out-there makeup, and some general attention-grabbing affectation will boost your facial recognition with your prof. I wouldn’t take it as far as actually participating, but mark yourself as a real presence in the classroom. This way, your professor can’t forget about you and accidentally toss you a B (unacceptable).
Stay after lecture with some asinine question for the prof. Of course, you don’t really care, but they don’t have to know that. It’s best if this question relates to a really obscure aspect of the previous night’s reading, as this will demonstrate to your professor, TA, and to all in earshot that yes, for once you really did do the reading!
I would encourage you to employ a combination of these strategies in order to achieve success this semester. Of course, if you’d actually worked and participated from the jump, this wouldn’t be necessary…. But, for me, it is! Good luck, slackers!
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