D/S/H Food Trucks: Part II

This past Thursday, four of your favorite writers headed down to the Thayer Street food truck gathering in various states of mental awareness and tried some food for your information and entertainment. In order to preserve their identities, we have chosen extremely secretive code names for them.The Foods"The One-Man Gang" from Championship Melt"Squash It" and "Hash It" from Rhody Roots"Triple Murder Burger" from Haven Bros."Portuguese Burger" from Flip and Roll The Taste TestHigh 1: I’m starting this recording. I’m just so excited to eat that burger.Drunk: Which burger? My burger?H1: We should probably wait for H2, though.D: On the other hand, drunk and high people are not good at waiting to eat food.There is a pause while we consider the ethics of starting before H2 arrives. D: Maybe we should all say what we got.H1: That’s actually a good place to start.S: I got the two most pretentious-sounding sides on the truck. I was eyeing a burger, but I was like I can’t go for a burger. So I got “Squash It” and “Hash It.” One has a quail egg. That’s all I saw. It sounded pretty extreme. The other one has squash and apples.H1: I can’t believe I’m going to eat a little baby bird tonight.D: Nobody panic.H1: I got “The One Man Gang” from Championship Melt. It’s bread, cheese, melted together, with a bonus of tomato sauce and meatballs.D: I am looking at a trip—murd—this is very hard to say. A triple murder burger. 

Would you rather: Triple Murder v. Portuguese Chorizo

 H1: Oooooh. That double D-E-R.D: A little tongue twister going on. It’s got an egg!H1: Is this a brunch burger?D: It was featured on something called “Man Meat.”[Editorial note: it was actually featured on something called “Man v. Food”]D: On the front of the truck, there was this big banner. It said “MAN MEAT WAS HERE.”S: I feel like man meat is sort of a mood. Like, “I’m feeling real man meat tonight.”H1: Or, you know, it’s a euphemism.S: (unamused) Yes.H1: Where is High 2?Footsteps.H1: I really hope that’s High 2.High 2 arrives.H1: Oh my gosh! It was who I wanted it to be!High 2: So the food truck I got all this from was near the end, and so I was walking all the way back and seeing all of them, and then I saw a new food truck pull up.Everyone, at once: No way.H2: And then I look at it, and it turns out it wasn’t a food truck, it was an ambulance.H1: Oh my god.D: *cannot stop laughing*H2: It was dark. Anyway, this is a spiced apple dessert thing, and this is a Portuguese burger. It’s from Flip and Roll. 

The delicious Portuguese burger.

 First Bite ReactionsD: There is about to be a triple murder in my mouth. Ok. Here we go. Wait. First. The guy was very unimpressed with my order. He was like, “Yeah, okay. 10 bucks.” I expected him to be like, “Of course I will make you a triple murder burger. No one’s ever ordered that before.”D: Ok, ready?Drunk makes an absolute mess of his first bite. H2: Do you want some napkins?D (deeply touched): You’re the best.H1: I said to Sober, “I need some napkins.” But High 2 pulled through.H2 tries his Portuguese burger.H2: Mmmmmm. There’s not too much chorizo, which is good, cause that’s a heavily seasoned meat. And there are some mixed greens, which are nice. I don’t really remember the sauces. It’s definitely tasty. I’m going in for bite two, actually.H1: Bite two! Bite two! Bite 2.0!Sober tries her squash-and-quail-egg salad. H1: Quail egg! Quail egg! We have a Quail egg alert! 

Quail egg alert!

 S: We have some sweet potatoes, I think. Kale.H1: Sober really enjoyed her quail egg, I think.D: Totally.High 1 tries her grilled cheese.H1: Here we go. Bread? Thick. Tomato sauce? Nostalgic. We’re in. There is so much crunch in this bread. It’s like Rice Krispies, bread version. Kind of hot, kind of new. 

The One-Man Gang

 What followed these first bite reactions was nearly a half-hour of people in various mental states enjoying some very good food. But to save you all the half-baked comparisons, eating sounds, and expressions of gratitude for food, our crack team of editors at the Blognonian has pared it down to some key quotes for each dish. Triple Murder Burger H2: This is man food.D: Wait, man meat or man food?H2: Man food.D: Oh my god, I thought it was man meat!H2: Oh no. That’s unfortunate.S: Did you say “Men Meat” when you ordered?D (unsure whether he did): That’s terrible!H2: It’s sort of like biting into a wall of meat. It’s kind of intimidating.S: It doesn’t taste like anything other than death and cheese. Quail Egg SaladH1: The theme of this article is murder! I don’t know if I can ethically eat this. It seems like a fancy bird, and not a normal bird. This is as much quail as I can kill today.D: Scarily good.Eats it. Grilled Cheese D: I’m going to try this grilled cheese. Or meatball sandwich.H1: It’s both.S: Is this supposed to be based on pizza or something? Cause it’s really good.H1 (to Drunk): Are you finishing my sandwich?D: I would never do such a thing. I’m going to leave you up to two bites. Portuguese Burger S: I feel morally better eating this, but, at the same time, I’m not sure it’s better than the quail egg.H2: We are about to run out of chorizo patty, but we are not about to run out of roll. Final Ratings, Quotes, and Hot Takes DrunkRatings1. Grilled Cheese: “Easily #1. Is it a pizza? A grilled cheese?”2. Triple Murder Burger: “Pretty good for drunk. You need two people.”3. Quail Egg Salad: “I wish I had been less drunk, so I could appreciate them.”4. Chorizo Burger: “Cerebral.”Hot TakeD: The Blognonian does not endorse murder. Or double murder, or triple murder.H2: In most situations.D: Right.H2: This was a case of man flying too close to the sun.D: Like Icarus. Highs 1 & 2Ratings1. Grilled Cheese: “Best high food.”2. Quail Egg Salad: “Hubris. This is what my mom’s dinner party eats.”3. Chorizo Burger: “Lots of bread.”4. Triple Murder. “I think we can agree this was the worst.”Hot Take“I wanted to reach out to the vegetables and say thank you.” SoberRatings1. Grilled Cheese: “Eked out the #1 spot.”2. Quail Egg Salad: “Wholesome.”3. Chorizo: “Good, too.”4. Triple Murder Burger: “A lot going on.”Hot Take “Everything but the triple murder burger was pretty much tied for first.” The conclusion? If you find yourself at the Thayer food trucks, head for the grilled cheese. We’ll leave you with a haiku by High 1 and some wise words by High 2. A comparison of murder in 2 burgers.Chorizo is apuddle. Murder burger?The whole damn ocean. H2: This is going to leak in 20 years and ruin one of our Presidential runs. 

The Blognonian does not endorse violence.

Images via The Blognonian