The five Nelson machines that will get you that Blueno body by spring break

The time is almost upon us — spring break is next week. Some will go home and relax, some will travel to beautiful spots in foreign countries, and some will go beachin’. This is the ideal week to get fire squad pics, solo shots of you looking like a snack on a strip of sand, or candids in front of abstract monuments worth remembering. Here’s the question, though — did you aspire to adhere strictly to your New Year's resolution and hit the gym every day in order to get the perfect "spring break bod"? And did you actually achieve this goal? If not, no worries, your friendly neighborhood exercise slacker is here to help you get in shape just in time for spring break. And when I say shape, I’m not talking about looking like some bodybuilder or Instagram model. I mean the shape of Brown’s biggest sex symbol: Blueno the bear.This plan is totally doable, and much easier than one of Dr. Oz’s fad diets. if you can make the small time commitment to hit just five machines at the Nelson Fitness Center over the course of this week, you’ll be peaking in no time. Step 1: CalvesEveryone knows that Blueno's dreaminess stems from their legs' seamless transition from thigh to calf, with no distinction in size between the two. But there’s no way that you could possibly get that 1:1 ratio yourself, right? Wrong! You need to stop squatting so your thighs can shrink a little, and stick to the calf trainer. Start at three-quarters of your body weight, and do 12 reps a set for 5 sets, taking a break in between to online shop for mom jeans. These will come in handy if you give up on the routine, as they'll give anyone the appearance of that golden 1:1 ratio.Step 2: ShouldersWhat makes Blueno so welcoming and comforting? It’s those outstretched arms that seem to say, “I’m just here to give you a hug if you’re going through a rough time.” But how does Blueno keep those arms in that loving position 24/7/365 without propping them up? Extreme shoulder endurance. This exercise will take the most grit, but since Blueno’s shoulders aren’t very big — rather, they're extremely compact and toned — we know that emulating this aspect will require a low-weight, high rep exercise. Unless you already have strong shoulders from going off of meal plan and carrying Whole Foods bags around everywhere, you should start with a nice, easy 10 sets of 50 reps on each arm at whatever machine setting weighs on your shoulders just as much as the fear of disappointing your parents.Step 3: KneecapsWe already talked about Blueno’s perfect legs, but a major part of the reason those legs have so much sauce is because they have no kneecaps. Kneecaps went out of vogue in early 2016. Turns out they aren’t good for chakra vibrations or something. This exercise is pretty simple. All you need to do is strap on some extra weight and sprint super-duper flat footed on a treadmill until your knees are simply destroyed. Once those caps shatter and the bone fragments dissolve, you’ll be ready to strut your stuff in some chubbies shorts. Bonus Tip: by increasing the incline on the machine you can achieve the optimal angle for really shattering those bones and bulk up your calves at the same time!Step 4: LampsWhen people post on Instagram, they want to show how individual and how unique they are; differentiation makes people more attractive. That’s why people who are great at calculus have so much sex appeal. So, what makes Blueno stick out so much from any other campus statue? The fact that there is a lamp melded into that ideal body. This one is pretty simple — just take any one of the lamps from the Nelson and tape, sew, or glue it to your neck so the lampshade comes just over your head. Bonus points if you do this at the beginning of the week — your body and the lamp might just mold together by the end (unless, of course, you develop an infection).Step 5: Vending MachineIf there’s one thing about Blueno that contributes more than anything else to the aura of awe, it's that big belly that just screams stability and confidence. But how do you get that in your all-purpose trip to the Nelson? Easy. Just hit up the vending machine on the first floor every day as a pre, mid, and post-workout meal. Did you burn 500 calories running on the treadmill? Great! That means you have to eat 2500 extra calories to make up for it. As long as you follow these instructions, you'll be looking like everyone's favorite statue sooner than you can spot a parent on tour snapping a picture of it.