Plan B: Brown's Backup Boyfriends
Well, you failed step one. You had a boyfriend, but you broke up right before Valentine's Day. Now the sexiest day of the year is here, and you don't have someone to love you for who you are......Or do you?It may not be ideal, but when you can't rely on a conventional boyfriend, there are actually a ton of ways to find the love you seek from the Brown community/campus. Here's the best ways to fulfill your various emotional, romantic, and sexual needs on Valentine's Day using everything except a legitimate human being who loves you! Are you missing getting to look at a sexy bod?That's an easy fix: just go outside the OMAC and stare directly at that weirdly buff Nelson bear for a long enough amount of time that passersby start to notice and give you concerned looks. Oh, Nelson Bear. Just hold me in your big, strong, furry, cold, metal arms.
What about getting to talk about your feelings with someone who cares?Some might argue for visiting CAPS, but getting all the way to the top of JWW can be a NIGHTMARE with that elevator! Well, what if I told you that all of the listening ears and open hearts you could ever need can be found right on the ground floor? That's right; the mail room employees would absolutely love to hear about your problems. Just wait for a Sarah McLaughlin song to come on the playlist and start spilling all of your insecurities to a group of people who both have a job to do but are now also desperately awaiting 5 p.m. (when they can close the doors on your needy ass).
How about those little texts to remind you that someone is thinking about you?This might feel completely out of grasp, but it's actually pretty easy to solve. Just enter your cell phone number in Banner to get automatic cute little texts from the BrownAlert System. It's impossible to feel alone when you check your messages and see that classic "U up? Because there's about to be a campus-wide siren test and sleeping is no longer an option."
Maybe the thing you really miss is the gentle touch of another human's skin?It's often the small things that get to you after a break-up. But the feeling of caressing another person is well within your reach on Brown's campus thanks to the John Hay's collection of anatomy textbooks bound in human skin. Just walk in, ask a curator for one of these historic marvels, and get a few moments of precious physical intimacy with a person who probably died in the 1800s and almost definitely had their skin stolen from them by some deeply-disturbed doctor.
Is going out to dinner and spending time with someone what's really getting to you?The solution to this has been right under your feet for a long time. Do you recognize this setup from the Ivy Room?
Some might describe this as a one-person table. What am I about to suggest? That you take yourself out on a date? That's absolutely ridiculous. Ridiculous because that table is a two-person table, and the other person is the building itself. That's right; it's time to take the Ratty on a date.
It's everything you could want from a casual meal rendezvous: fun, flirty, delicious, and Gail is there. Plus, if everything goes really well, you could potentially find yourself back at your place getting an intimate taste of the salad bar. Remember to Root before you Shoot! Well, how are you supposed to have some good old-fashioned sex?Solving this issue is practically inevitable. If you're missing out on some classic copulation, all you really have to do is wait a few weeks and you're virtually guaranteed to get absolutely fucked by your midterms.
If all else fails and worst comes to worst, there's always Datamatch next year.
Images via, via, via, via Kelly Carey-Ewend '19 and via Izzy Teran '19