A college student's guide to trick-or-treaters
It's 6 p.m. on Monday after Halloween weekend and you are exhausted. You spent Thursday through Saturday trekking from party to party and dazzling friends with your Netflix's Stranger Things/Lamp/Bear/Tree/Rock themed costume, and only now have pulled together enough strength to dig into your work. You are furiously typing up your ENGN009 section paper when you hear a knock on the door."Fuck! What day is it?"Nope. It's not your landlord or the electrician. You look through the peephole and it hits you. It's Halloween—real people Halloween, and there's a flock of rabid but adorable mini people outside your door.
You completely blanked on buying candy. Now you've got to figure out something before the kids choose the former of the "Trick-or-Treat" proposition they've put forward. Fortunately you're able to stave off panic. You are creative and resourceful, and you actually have many options. Here's what might be of use:.Keurig cups You run to the kitchen and your attention is immediately drawn to the single-use coffee Keurig cups that the last tenants left on the counter (no one has since bothered to throw them away). K-cups are kind of like candy: they're small, they can be opened, and the kids probably won't know the difference.
JelloYou know Jello is sweet. It's kind of like candy—but different. Plus your housemates have left a whole lot of green flavored jello in the fridge. What luck!
RiceRice is good option as well because your housemate has a whole big bag of it and probably won't notice if some of it is disappears. Plus, uncooked rice will make up for some of the crunch missing from most Halloween candy.
Bed RisersYou honestly can't remember if you bought these freshman year or if they were just left in your closet. Regardless, you think that maybe you can market them to kids as some sort of action figure.
Smoke AlarmsPer Providence fire code regulation, your landlord recently replaced all of the smoke detectors in your house. That's good news for the kids, because now you have 9 perfectly functioning fire alarms to give away—all you need is a screwdriver. Kids might love candy, but parents will appreciate your concern for their safety.
Unopened HummusYou bought this hummus a month ago thinking you would be healthier and eat raw vegetables. Unfortunately no such opportunity has arisen.
Last Months Career Fair SwagLets get real. You have a bunch of this crap lying around.
CondomsThat one time you exploded a condom on your head in middle school wasn't exactly fun, but it wasn't not-fun, either. You remember that you have about a dozen at home since you recently attended the Bwell Safe Sex info session.
Frozen ShrimpAlthough you had no intentions of eating the bag of shrimp in the back of the freezer, you are a little bit sad to see it go. But pull yourself together and cheer up! Others will enjoy the shrimp even more than you would have. Go run outside and put on your best Outback Steakhouse commercial impression and yell "Throw some shrimp on the barby!" Then shower everyone with cold frozen raw shrimp. Both kids and parents will love the joke.
NOTE: Don't actually try these at home. If you live somewhere that gets trick-or-treaters, remember the joy you got from trick-or-treating when you were a kid and be a human being and go out and buy some candy. Now. Just do it.Images via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, and via.