Bird-watching at 6 a.m.

When we first saw the Brown Morning Mail announcement about birdwatching at 6 on Friday, April 29th, we knew it would be the perfect venue for a classic Drunk/Sober/High. Then we realized that the event was not at 6 p.m. It was at 6 a.m. Of course, as writers for the Blognonian, we are very devoted to our craft of journalism. So, that's how three staff writers wound up waking up at 5 a.m. on a Friday and frantically drinking raspberry vodka and vaping weed before heading off to a birdwatching extravaganza. These are their stories (dun dun).First and foremost, we'd like to wholeheartedly give the annual Campus Birdwalk 5 stars. The experience lasted about an hour and went from Bert over to the RISD admissions building. The professor leading the tour, Scott Turner of the Institute at Brown for Environment and Society, was super knowledgeable, interesting, and also really nice (none of this is surprising, since he is well-known for writing the bird column in the Providence Journal). About 15-20 people were on the tour with us and we saw plenty of birds, rabbits, squirrels, etc. Sober can confidently attest that it was a genuinely lovely experience. Plus, getting up early wasn't so bad because we were all first in the omelette line at the V-Dub.Now here's what actually happened with it:Key: D=Drunk person, S=Sober Person, H=High person, T=Scott Turner, tour guideIn any pictures, phrases in quotation marks were said by Scott Turner, our sage guide through the wilderness that is Providence, RI.We arrived at Bert at 5:55 a.m. H: Holy shit I love birds. I do. This is honestly so fun.S: We have yet to see a single bird.T: "The squirrels around here can be aggressive."S: I was attacked by a squirrel once.D: They show so much sympathy for victims of squirrel attacks. You should form a support group.T: "Did anyone bring binoculars?"D: If you think about it eyes are just the binoculars of your face.H: I weirdly feel so safe right now.Once everyone had arrived, the group headed off to the Main GreenT: "Its a warm spring in Ohio so all the birds are funneling through it instead of here."D: Fuckin Ohio getting all the fucking birds, this is so unfair, I always knew I hated Ohio.T: "A good birdwatcher uses their ears more than their eyes."D: I'm watching all these trees like theres a murderer hiding in each one. Birds, fucking show yourselves.H: I can't birdwatch if I'm typing.D: T: "Here we can see a starling, which looks kind of like a flying triangle."D: OMG "flying triangle" I love it. Life imitates art.T: "Here we have an American Holly. Birds eat the berries and become intoxicated."D: S: Wait, did he just say the birds are also drunk?D: Chickadees, also known as house sparrows, are commonly referred to as the most lit of all birds.H: Nothing you just said is true.D: After leaving the Main Green, we began walking over to the RISD Admissions OfficeT: "After 10 a.m. the wildlife changes to students"S: Laughs appreciatively at this joke.D: Fuck me up professor, deconstruct humanity. We are but pawns in the chess game of the Earth. The forests are bishops and the mountains are queens.D:  D: S: I keep getting excited and then realizing that I'm just looking at a squirrel.D: Honestly, fuck squirrels they are not even birds. D: H: I'm beginning to think that I'm not the only one who's high right now.S: (examines some of the other students) I'm 100 percent sure that you're not the only one who's high right now.After arriving at the Admissions Office, we went around back to the wooded area to look for birdsT: "Over here, titmice raised a family in a pipe."D: A powerful story of overcoming addiction. D: Other person on tour: "Do chickadees whistle back to you if you whistle or do they just constantly whistle?"D: Oh they whistle back chickadees are raging misogynists.D: H: I feel like this city [referring to Providence] would be a really good Mario Kart racetrack.T: "The best birdwatching spot on campus is Wriston quad in the spring in the southwest quadrant near the crabapples. The crabapples attract kestrels, red-tailed hawks, peregrine falcons, and five other types of raptor."D: (group of birdwatchers talking amongst themselves) These people are very sweet I want to give them the gift of a million birds.S: T: "The most interesting animal I've seen on campus is a fox."D: The most interesting thing I've seen on campus is a football player puking on the Main Green.