Sextion: The SW '16 hookup guide
GUYS!!!!!SPRING WEEKEND IS TOMORROW!! GET ON THIS LIL BABY'S EXCITEMENT LEVEL!
Some of my favorite Sextion posts through the years have been ones about Spring Weekend, particularly David Johnson's "The spring fever hookup guide," which explains which crush of yours you can find at each performance during Spring Weekend. I've decided to update this field guide to include artists from this year's SW:The Rebel Without a Cause:Found at: FunkinevilYou first spotted the rebel walking along Thayer in the rain with their big, impressive headphones on (how picturesque) and you've been intrigued by them ever since. They either have an Independent Major or concentrate in something you didn't even know was an option, like "Geology-Chemistry," and, of course, the performance they're most likely to attend is also the least well-known: "Funkinevil." Funkinevil, a group with only 4 songs on Spotify, will presumably be freestylin' that goOoOOoood electro-funk during their performance; this fact suits the rebel well—they're all for surprises, which includes you flirting with them out of the blue!How to spot: The rebel stands out. You'll find 'em.How to break the ice: "Want to leave with me before freakin' Fetty Wap comes onstage?"The BrunoBro:Found at: Fetty WapWhile many of us are only ironically excited for Fetty (as evidenced by the commonly overheard quote: "C'mon, man... You KNOW 'Trap Queen' is gonna be fun if we are hammered"), the BrunoBro is earnestly LIT AS FUCK for his performance. Fetty's set is the best way for the bro to relive his glory days of Spring Break 2015. The bro will probably be surrounded by his friends, who are also large and buff men, which will make it hard to reach him, but, with the right amount of determination, you can muscle (hehe) your way through that pack of muscular men and reach your particular bro.How to spot: The bro will be right near the stage, fist-pumping and jumping, and he will be wearing a backwards hat and a tank top to show of those aforementioned ~muscles~.How to break the ice: "Did you hide any beers in the ground?"The Hipster Heartbreaker:Found at: ThundercatThe hipster heartbreaker is that person you've had a crush on ever since you spotted them whilst shopping MCM0150 (you dropped it—they didn't). They are effortlessly cool and intellectual. It's pretty intimidating. But have no fear: Spring Weekend is here! It's perfect time to approach people you wouldn't normally otherwise. The hipster heartbreaker loves Thundercat, having first heard him four years ago, before any of the rest of us, so impress them with knowledge of his music.How to spot: The Hipster Heartbreaker forgoes the traditional SW tank or tee (they wouldn't be caught dead in so-called "matching outfits") in favor of anything from Savers. They probably look like they stepped out of the 70s with wire-rim glasses or the 90s with a black choker and dark-colored flannel.How to break the ice: "If only Kendrick were here to perform with Thundercat. To Pimp a Butterfly was the best album of 2015, you know."The Dancer:Found at: TinasheThe dancer, trained or not, has been looking forward to Spring Weekend since...well...since last Spring Weekend. They LIVE to dance (often drunkenly) and they're the friend who pressures everyone into going to Colo or Fete even in the dead of winter, just because these clubs have music. The dancer is *this close* to being insufferably energetic. But you're into them anyway.How to spot: The dancer is going to be straight GETTIN' down Napoleon Dynamite-style during Tinashe. They'll be wearing something conducive to dancing (sneakers, pants/shorts, etc.) and they'll be actively listening to the music, so they should be easy to spot.
How to break the ice: Just walk up to them and start dancing with them. But don't crowd their dancing space too much. And don't just grab them from behind. That's creepy.The Stoner:Found at: Mac DemarcoI keep having to remind myself that Mac himself is not a stoner just because he's the go-to artists for potheads everywhere. Including that stoner you've always had a thing for. A little bit musky, a little bit of a slob, the stoner is hot in kind of a weird way. You have a 9 a.m. together, but you never see them there because the stoner is up too late ripping bongs with his buddies until 2 a.m. every night to go to a class that happens at 9 a.m.How to spot: The stoner will have a j (or j's), will be wearing some sort of ironic clothing (e.g. Hawaiian shirt, bucket hat, fanny pack, etc.) and will either be embracing the red "I'm mad stoned" eyes or will have stylin' shades on.How to break the ice: "Need a light?" (The stoner ate a shitload of edibles earlier and forgot to bring a lighter.)or say:
Anyone who's anyone:Found at: BinderA first time attendee to Spring Weekend myself, I really have no personal reason to feel so strongly about Binder, but I do: Anyone who's anyone should be at freaking Binder. First of all, it's going to be 70 degrees. More importantly, Binder is such a fun and goofy dad-type. A dad who sounds like Dave Matthews. I love him already. If your crush has any sense, they will be at Binder on Sunday afternoon!How to spot: Use your eyeballs... Your crush could be anywhere.How to break the ice: "Can Binder do this every Sunday?" HAVE A GREAT AND SAFE SPRING WEEKEND, LOVELIES!!Demi Image via, via, and via.
