How to survive room inspections
It’s that time of year again, the time when random strangers to enter your dorm to make sure you aren’t hiding a body. Or some candles. Whether this is your first room inspection or you are a seasoned veteran, here are some tips on how to get through it.
Power strips without circuit breaker and UL-listing:
Unplug your power strip and put it in a drawer. Then, give it a good talking to for not being good enough (“I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed”).
Unauthorized air conditioner or space heater:
Unplug your air conditioner or space heater, place it under your bed, and cover it with a blanket or towel. To be extra safe, leave it plugged in so that the blanket catches fire. They can’t inspect your dorm if you burn it down!
Excessive trash, recycling or debris:
How does Brown define “excessive”? I think this is a subjective category and therefore is invalid. But maybe you should recycle all the leftover Solo cups from last weekend’s pre-game (yes, Solo cups are recyclable!).
Evidence of smoking/incense ($100 fine):
This one is tough. How will you hide all your smoking materials and have people still know how cool you are? I recommend putting all smoking materials in a drawer and getting a marijuana tattoo so you can be perpetually cool.
Wooden construction with non-approved materials/construction method:
Is someone running a dorm-based Ikea? If you have such a wooden construction, make sure to cover it with blankets. Yes, there will be a large blanket-covered object in your room, but it’s all about plausible deniability, right? They can’t touch anything.
Excessive wall decorations/canopies/tapestries:
Again with the “excessive.” Unless your dorm looks like the bedroom of a 2000s emo teen or someone trying to solve a worldwide conspiracy, I think your posters should be fine. Take down your canopies and tapestries until April 4th when they no longer are fire hazards.
Means of egress obstructed:
You just looked up “egress”, didn’t you? Basically, make sure you can get out of your room in the case of a fire or alien invasion. Move all the clothing on your floor to a pile in one corner, and don’t put furniture against the door like you’re running from a monster in Scooby Doo.
Halogen torchière floor lamp present:
If you have one of these fàncy làmps, place it under your bed and cover it with a blanket. Then, reconsider your dream of becoming an interior decorator.
Fire safety equipment obstructed/visually damaged/tampered with ($300 fine):
My best advice here is to call facilities first thing in the morning and report that the fire alarm in your dorm has spontaneously broken and, of course, it was not your fault. Hopefully they can fix it before the Room Inspectors arrive.
Evidence of candles (lit or unlit) or other flame operated devices ($100 fine per confiscated candle):
You have three options here: hide candles in a drawer, give them as gifts to friends (who doesn’t love a candle?), or give them to your enemies ($100 fines!).
Evidence of unauthorized pets:
I may or may not be well trained on how to hide a pet. If you were to hide, say, a hamster, this is what you would hypothetically do: place a blanket over your pet’s cage so there is still some air flow, hide all pet food/supplies in drawers or in your closet, and tell your pet to be a good boy or girl and be quiet during the day. If you have a larger pet (dog, cat, horse, etc.), I recommend getting an off-campus friend to pet sit or bringing your pet to your 100+ person lectures. Cats can’t spread Coronavirus so it should be fine.
Unauthorized appliances:
Toasters. Hide your toaster in your microwave, if you have one, or under a towel.
Excessive paper or flammable materials on interior/exterior of door:
If you have decided to wallpaper your door, now may be a good time to reconsider your life choices.
Flammable, toxic or hazardous materials:
Make sure to put all swords, scythes, flame throwers, nuclear weapons, arsenic, and other hazardous materials in a drawer.
Alcohol, illegal drugs or drug paraphernalia:
Put all alcohol in the fridge or in your closet. If everyone in your suite is 21+, I recommend placing all alcohol in the middle of the room so the Room Inspectors know how cool you are. Illegal drugs should be hidden in your sock drawer, specifically.
University lounge furniture present:
Put university lounge furniture back in the lounge. To be safe, you should place all furniture from your dorm in the lounge, including your bed and your unauthorized pet’s cage.
Congrats! You are ready for room inspections. Remember that they can occur Monday-Friday, except holidays, from 10am-4pm through April 3rd. On April 4th, the dorms become a lawless land again and you can restore your dorm to its former glory.