8 places to gather with 100+ people before the Coronavirus ban takes effect
Lady Gaga once said, “There can be 100 people in the room, and 99 don’t believe in you, but all you need is one who does.” On March 6th, 2020, Brown University President Christina Paxson responded, “There cannot be 100 people in a room, because you all are susceptible to Coronavirus.”
According to a recent email from Brown's president/corona tzar Christina Paxson, Sunday, March 8th marks the last day students are allowed to convene in groups of 100 or more for the foreseeable future. These measures are all part of an effort to contain the outbreak and spread of Coronavirus (COVID-19) and were made through careful consideration with multiple administrators and public health officials. They have a website. ADOCH has been canceled, as well as the Gala, and the fate of several Brown traditions (such as Spring Weekend and the Ivy Film Festival) are still undecided. Exempt from this ban are lecture classes of 100 or more because knowledge, not pathogens, is the only thing that can spread in an environment of Liberal Learning ™.
What does this mean? I’ll tell you what it means. Sunday, March 8th is an important day. We don’t know the next time we can convene en masse (except at Disease SafeZones, such as tightly packed auditoriums and dining halls), so let’s mark the occasion by celebrating our most hallowed and densely-populated traditions, all in one day. It’s like Footloose, but with uncontainable viral pneumonia.
Spring Weekend
While the future of Spring Weekend is currently uncertain, that doesn’t mean we can’t jump to conclusions. Just because the “singers” aren’t “booked or present” doesn’t mean we can’t channel the energy of Brown’s favorite weekend. Gather on the main green en masse and imagine your favorite singer is there. Bring a speaker, go crazy. There are no rules. It’s The Purge, but make it a music festival! The important thing is to be there together in close proximity before it’s too late. Plus, we’re probably not getting Doja Cat for the real thing anyway.
Ice Cream Social
Who can forget one of Brown’s silliest and pandemic-conducive welcome week activities? Come to the main green to re-experience all the nerves and excitement of the first day while relishing the last time such group events are allowed on campus. Reconnect with those people you talked to for five minutes and then never again. Relive those first-week jitters with questions like, “Where are you from? What’s your concentration? Have you recently traveled back from Northern Italy and displayed bronchitis-like symptoms?” Share a cone if you’re feeling bold, and pick between classic flavors like chocolate, vanilla, and Purell.
Sex. Power. God.
Everyone loves a comeback. For one day only, get together with 99 or more of your closest acquaintances for a night of debauchery that’s essentially pushing the senior scramble to its logical extreme. Dance the night away at this clothing-optional, facemask-mandatory secret event. This notorious invite-only party will have an extra helping of danger thanks to the kinky wildcard: one of the most contagious diseases of the last 20 years. Get weird while the getting's good!
Commencement
Ever wanted to cross early through the Van Winkles gates, but needed the excuse of a bio-hazard? Well, here’s your lucky day. Even if you aren’t going to graduate for years, get a chance in case the 8th marks the last time we will all be able to come together as students. Will our actual graduation be projected through lecture capture this year? Probably not, but take advantage of this organizational loophole and ride it as far as it will take you!
Granoff super-dinner
Although the dining halls are still fair game (despite being arguably more dangerous than a classroom), we will have to say goodbye to Granoff dinner, effective Monday. Although they are no longer endorsed by the school, these meals nevertheless occur and carry the risk of spreading infection. We all know what this means. Tomorrow, we will have to cram any and all of the scheduled Granoff dinners into one. One big table. One big reservation. One big serving of the most Italian food you’ve ever seen in your goddamned life.
4/20
While this event is technically reserved for a different and very specific day, we might not be able to celebrate as a campus during the actual holiday. Instead of hotboxing in a self-quarantine, all students should come out to honor the April festivity in the cool March sun. Just make sure not to share anything, seeing that the spread of infection raises dramatically with interpersonal contact.
Brown’s Bi-annual Cough-in
While the bi-annual primal scream that kicks off finals week might be the more well-known end-of-semester tradition, who can forget the Brown Cough-in. Every semester, students gather at the quiet green and cough at each other in a small huddle to offer good wishes for the hard days of studying ahead. This is prime flu season, not finals season, but we need to prepare for May now, while we still can. Remember, we’re all in this together! Until Monday, in which case, we’re all in this in large units.
Ruth J Simmons Commemorative Doorknob Licking-and-Hand-in-Mouth Jamboree
Of all the traditions we might miss out due to fears of COVID-19, the cancellation of the annual Ruth-J-Simmons-Commemorative-Doorknob-Licking-and-Hand-in-Mouth Jamboree might hit the hardest. Brown’s earliest student tradition has been celebrated every year on March 10th and has brought Brunonians of all stripes together for decades. To make sure that this legitimate, real, and sacred tradition is not lost to the sands of time, it’s our duty as students to gather in the smallest seminar room we can find. What we might lose in antibodies, we will make up in spirit.
It must be noted, that while the following Paxson Protections might seem extreme, they are ultimately in the interest of the health and safety of the Brown community. Starting March 9th, we might have to cut back on some traditions, but in the meantime let's make sure to pack tighter than sardines in a can, or viral cells in a lung.
Image via Eli Kaplan '22, Gemma Brand-Wolf '22, via, via, via.