Blue Room sandwich smackdown
Close your eyes and imagine: What if Iron Chef was a race for the bottom? What if Hell’s Kitchen was a competition for last place? The Great British Bake-Off, but bad?!
Now consider, what if a Blue Room sandwich meant so much more than a simple ciabatta vehicle. This week, I was determined to get out of my sandwich rut.
Ever since coming to Brown, the Blue Room has been a safe haven; a lighthouse guiding me amidst the rocky shores of college dining (looking at you, eternally-versatile-but-still-squash squash). The Blue Room has many staples and claims to fame; you have your Yerba Mattes, focaccia, and red velvet muffins that are actually just cake mix. You have your Orangina, vegan sushi, and chocolate chip muffins that I must stress are actually just cake mix in muffin tins. Yet, none are as iconic or sustaining as the Blue Room Sandwich.
For the last seven months, I’ve ordered the same sandwich without fail. As soon as the clock strikes four, I robotically ask for the following ingredients:
Ciabatta. Goat Cheese. Hummus on Half. Mozzarella. Prosciutto. Arugula.
Although this order centers me, I’ve been wondering what sandwiches I might be missing out on? I turned to the community for guidance. Armed with credits and guest swipes, I decided to try any sandwich that the Brown community wanted to make but was too afraid to order. Without further ado, here is my review of the wildest combinations that you can use to spice up your Blue Room experience. Maybe, just maybe, Flavortown can be a place on earth.
Sandwich 1: Farewell, my love
Ingredients: ciabatta, goat cheese, hummus, mozzarella, prosciutto, arugula
Style Points: Cut in half
Notes: Before I went on my sandwich journey, I wanted to review my trusted order. This sandwich has a lot going for it: crunch, taste, wow (I’ve never critiqued food before, surprisingly). Nevertheless, this sandwich covers all the bases. Looking through a critical lens, this sandwich is kind of basic. There’s no oomph. No va-va-voom. This sandwich does the job but does not stand out in a crowd. If this were a coming of age movie, this sandwich would be the girlfriend of the love interest who gets dumped on the end. Her name is Heather or Gwen. She’s a cheerleader, but maybe she likes science? This tangent got away from me, but nevertheless, I think there might be better food on the horizon.
Rating 4/5 Bluenos
Sandwich 2: EatFresh!
Ingredients: ciabatta, vinegar, horseradish, ham, turkey, lettuce, banana peppers
Style points: order called for “lots and lots of banana peppers”
This is the platonic ideal of a Subway sandwich. With vibrant colors, a good veggie to meat ratio, and a dependable bread, this entry is shockingly good. The anonymous meats strongly complement the horseradish. Full disclosure, I was very worried about the sauces and the banana peppers. However, these ingredients might be my favorite part of the sandwich. The only thing I would improve on is the acidity seeing that the meal left me with the faintest stomach ache. On the other hand, my body is weak, so I fully endorse this sandwich
Rating 4.5/5 Christmas Cranes
Sandwich 3: Cursed
Ingredients: one piece of 7 grain, one piece of wheat bread. mayo, fig spread, mustard (x2), siracha, every type of cheese, veggies, balsamic vinaigrette, vinegar, pickles
Style Points: absolutely nothing
Well, someone took the prompt of making the worst sandwich they could think of and ran with it. I hope whoever came up with this, is okay. Mostly consisting of condiments, this sandwich was unforgivingly wet and held incredibly bad energy. I put it in my friend’s fridge, and they have been sick been for the past week. Note that they did not eat this, but I fear its presence is a harbinger of death.
Here’s my best approximation of the taste. If you were naive like me, you might think that all the flavors would cancel out somehow. However, the combinations do not cancel out and in fact amplify the worst aspects of the meal. The mustard really brought out the jam and the sriracha really made you notice every price of cheese. I would not wish the experience of eating this on anybody. If this “sandwich” were a teen show, it would be House of Anubis, because I hate it and its bad.
Rating: 0/5 Paxon Points
Sandwich 4: Simple Joys
Ingredients: ciabatta, goat cheese
Style points: minimalism
What this sandwich lacks in ingredients, it makes up for in making me feel like a shepherd in 1400s Poland. It’s hearty, which is a word I rarely use to describe food. The goat cheese really brings out the toughness of the bread. Is it bad? No. Is it worth $8.50? Also no. Get this sandwich if you want to feel like you’re on the Oregon trail, but don’t want to engage with the imperialist politics of Manifest Destiny.
Rating: 2.5/5 covered wagon
Sandwich 5: missed connections
Ingredients: ciabatta, mustard, chicken salad, gouda, arugula, spinach, banana peppers, tomatoes
Style Points: the elusive chicken salad
I wanted to like this sandwich so badly. It had a lot going for it starting out (drama, intrigue, banana peppers). I was probably most excited about the chicken salad which I did know exist at the Blue Room until someone pointed it out. I’m a fan of chicken salad, sue me! However, the sandwich was slimier than I would have hoped. It took on a soggy quality which was unfortunate. One shining light was the chicken salad that I would love in the future to try without the baggage of the mustard and tomatoes which made for an odd flavor combination.
4/14 Sci-li floors
Sandwich 6: IvyRoom4Ever
Ingredients: white wrap, hummus, tabouleh, veggies, lettuce, spinach, sriracha,
Style points: imitation is the highest form of flattery
Note: I could not find a photo, so I instead included what this sandwich felt like.
This sandwich is so bad I can only judge it on the merits of its vibes alone. This sandwich is like if someone tried to recreate a naanwich but also lost the ability to taste. It’s like a carpet from the 70s - heavily textured, but aesthetically bad. It’s like if you had social anxiety at a sleepover and didn’t want to ask for a snack, so you snuck down and absolutely scavenged the kitchen for anything that resembled a meal. While some parts were mushy, it honestly didn’t taste terrible. It’s cardinal sin, however, was the wrap.
At first, I was curious about the wrap as an option for ingredient delivery. Yet this hope immediately was dashed. Never, and I mean never, should someone get a wrap at the Blue Room. They taste bad, mess up the ingredient to bread ratio, and make the food exponentially hard to chew. I immediately didn’t like it, and my feelings never improved.
1/5 Avocado toasts (with egg!)
Sandwich 7: Mamma Mia! that’s a spicy sandwich
Ingredients: country white bread, mozzarella, prosciutto, tomato, onion, mayo, horseradish
Style points: that’s amore!
Apologies for the misnomer because this sandwich was not spicy, but instead radiated immense Italian vibes. If sandwich #4 transported me to the frigid snowfields of my polish ancestors, this sandwich made me feel like I was in Tuscany getting my groove back Refreshing, delicious, and light, this sandwich was the definition of Va-Va-Voom. It’s the kind of sandwich you see people eating in commercials for bone-density multivitamins. It genuinely made want to buy a gondola and make a heritage visit to the Jersey shore. Once again, horseradish saved the day. The only way this could be improved is if it were toasted. My no-nonsense tip would be to recreate this in the Ratty but toast the bread beforehand.
4.75/5 Italy shaped boots
Here are my main takeaways from my Blue Room deep dive: Horseradish is surprisingly good.
Prosciutto and mozzarella will always be a winning combination. Don’t underestimate banana peppers. More than three sauces is a devils bargain. Wraps are bad. BUDS employees are the light of this campus. Try new things, except if they are wraps. In that case, try most things.