I shit you not: john of the John, part 3
I’m flushed with excitement to bring you the last of the three-part "john of the John" reviews. And as we hit the Hay, so does this trilogy. This library sits next to the other large John, just beyond the Van Wickle gates. The main study space in the John Hay is the only library I’ve visited that actually felt like a college library should. I was so jealous of my high school friends last year whose Instagram stories were chock full of beautiful, eccentric library photos, while my main library was one that stuck up fourteen stories high and functioned both as an eyesore and a landmark (Gotta love her though). The Willis reading room is beautiful and serene, easily making up for the slightly intimidating silence.
I’m still afraid of sneezing when I’m in there, though. But, as always in this series, a building’s worth is dependent solely on the quality of its john.
The john of this John was tucked away in a corner, slightly farther from the entrance than would be ideal. The fastest route involves going into the lobby and turning right on the second hallway you see. The bathrooms are tucked away in a small corridor. Thankfully, this floor is a giant circle, and even if you turn into the first hallway, you can eventually land yourself at the bathroom.
The Hay feels like half-museum, half-library. Yes, you have your collections, but these collections are so old and rare and valuable that it feels wrong to do anything but look. There’s so many works on display under glass cases that feel...so strongly protected. And as you walk down the hallway, you come across a sign that warns you that the area is alarmed, like some secret vault or something might be.
Maybe I’ll try to sneak down there at some point, but I doubt there’s anything of value to me, like a fantastic toilet. If they were hiding a really fancy toilet, though, that would be the shit.
There’s so many cozy spaces in the Hay. The reading room is where most people study, but there’s also lounges (with direct access to printers), and then these large couches in the middle of these cozily lit rooms with cool exhibitions on display. Prime nap spot.
The true treasure, of course, is the bathroom. It’s right by these couches, and there are both multi-stall bathrooms and single-user, gender-inclusive bathrooms.
The single-user bathroom is warmly lit and calming. The shiny, white-tiled walls give it a sense of cleanliness and sleekness that makes you feel like you’re in a new bathroom. It contrasts nicely with the black floor. It is truly gender-inclusive and accessible, with a garbage disposal area as well as a changing station, with handrails by the toilet and a toilet placed at a comfortable height (there’s nothing worse than shitting on a cold toilet that’s got your legs swinging all around). The lighting for the mirror is a little strange, but it makes it feel more...contemporary.
The shitting experience goes by smoothly. The locks are functional and click into place with a wonderfully satisfactory swish. Unlike in some bathrooms, I felt confident that I was not going to be walked in on.
The multi-stall bathroom is not bad at all. For a multi-stall bathroom, it’s quite nice. You’re greeted with a slightly hotel-like sink—it’s clean, it looks like some fancy patterned stone, and the lighting is slightly unconventional, same as the single user. It’s only got the one sink for multiple users, but at least it’s really nice and sleek.
The lighting is a little bit off-putting here. For the single-user, it was tolerable because it felt warm, and perhaps that was also because the physical room felt warm. But for something that’s supposed to look sleek, it kind of feels like a poorly lit contemporary art exhibit that’s supposed to make me feel something but really doesn’t.
The stalls are both alright. Neither of them are fully accessible, which is understandable given that there is one available a couple feet away. There is a good amount of leg room, and a very powerful hook on the door (my backpack weighs 10-15 lbs. or more and I’m just waiting for the day a hook breaks off and sends it tumbling at my feet). All the walls are just so shiny. It’s definitely nicer than cinderblock walls in a really creepy basement bathroom.
The magpie in me is loving these bathrooms for the shine. They’re both nice bathrooms, both shittable and spacious. The lighting’s a little funny, but this bathroom smells nice and neutral, which is always better than being assaulted by Febreeze.
Alas, as the trilogy concludes, we must do a fair analysis of the three Johns. The Hay and the Rock are both farther from central campus than the John Carter Brown, but the Rock is slightly more accessible than the Hay or the John Carter Brown. The Hay has the nicest bathrooms — while the John Carter Brown library’s bathrooms are spacious, their design confuses me, as does the bathroom in the Rock. The lighting of the John Carter Brown bathroom is the least weird of the three. Toilet paper is, of course, single-ply for all three. No surprise there.
My personal favorite is the John Hay’s bathrooms. It feels the most clean, and it feels like a real bathroom. It doesn’t feel like I’m supposed to be doing anything other than shitting and washing my hands. The vibe of the entire building is also the nicest — it’s graceful and serene. The Rock just feels sad and cold, while the John Carter Brown feels too...intellectually unavailable.
With a flush and a wash, this dookie of a trilogy is out of the dunny. Keep your eye out for more shit to come.
Images via MJ Lee '22
