Signs that you're *almost* a functioning adult
18. Ah, the threshold where you cross into worlds unknown. It seems to be such a powerful number. You can vote? You must be a functioning, contributing member of society! You graduated high school? Congrats! Here’s the ability to get sued! All of a sudden, people expect you to have your life together. “What’s your major?” becomes a conversational piece. “Where are you headed?” transforms into a mystic question rather than an after-school planning of a Chick-Fil-A splurge.
College strikes that final nail into the coffin. You’re thrust into this whirl of chaos, where professors don’t actually take attendance and where you're in a toxic relationship with something called “lecture capture” that you both love and hate. I waited my whole life for this moment of liberation, but now, “independence” seems more like a haunted house worker waiting to perform jumpscares rather than a glorious world filled with possibilities. “Self-sustaining” might be a more suitable word. And although this word may seem intimidating, here are some signs that show you’re on the right path.
1. You wake up for most of your classes.
Granted, this is almost impossible for the 9 am’s, but if you’ve shown up for a majority (literally, over 50% – we have low standards) of your classes, you’re probably still going somewhere! Who cares if you continue your sleep in your classes? You’re there! I’ve caught myself telling myself multiple times that if I half-sleep during lecture, I can still absorb the information in my subconscious; I’m basically a sponge anyway. I’ll be honest: that hasn’t worked out too well so far. I’m still improving my subconscious learning. Just wait. Soon enough, I won’t have to be awake for any of my classes.
The most embarrassing part is when you force yourself to sit at the front of a class to avoid falling asleep out of respect for the professor, yet your blinks get longer...and longer....Then, the next thing you know, people are packing up their backpacks and your notebook has drool on it.
Even so, waking up is the first step. And we’re all about the first steps.
2. You know where the trash room is.
Nobody likes a trashy room. Unless you’re a cockroach lurking outside of a dorm hall, patrolling the hallways and waiting for a scent to pounce on. Your roommate starts giving you weird looks as you resort to using the recycling bucket as a trash can as well because you’re too lazy to get up. But, despite what they think, you have been to the trash room before. It’s just so...flipping...far. Every time you muster up the energy to go, you mentally trace the number of steps it takes to go down the stairs and through the hall, the number of corners you’ll have to turn, and the number of doors you’ll pass before you get to the trash room. Then, you remember that that’s only half of the journey. Not only will you have to go into that heathen of a room (which looks like it belongs in Monster House and might start eating you up), but you then have to make the journey all the way back to your room. (I swear, I go to the gym sometimes).
Sometimes, that trip is just too much effort. But, as long as you know where to throw your trash and that there is always a room for it, you can find solace in that. This isn’t about being a functional adult, but almost getting there.
3. You have events in your Google Calendar.
Oh, God. Google Calendar. My literal life-saver. There have been countless times I’ve forgotten about a lunch I promised to a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, a test that really shouldn’t exist, or an event that I probably should go to.
Putting stuff into an electronic calendar has a sort of satisfaction to it. You’re planning your life! And it’s yours! Your parents aren’t about to tell you what to go to, and it feels like you have your life in order. Sure, sometimes we flake on that lunch anyway, but at least we knew of it in the first place.
Maybe a fully functional adult would have a physical planner or a good memory. But, you know what? Fuck them. We are doing just fine.
4. You buy groceries.
Stealing from the Ratty counts too. I mean, you’re paying for the meal plan, and you’re just taking what your meal plan is worth, so that’s kind of like shopping for groceries, right? But, you know you’ve leveled up when you physically go to East Side Market and purchase food in-person. There’s something about shopping among other non-college, normal people that makes you feel like an adult. Who cares if you’re only going to the grocery store to get chasers and snacks for that party on Friday night? You’re still at the grocery store.
Baby steps, people, baby steps.
5. You’ve crafted a clever response to all the adult-y questions.
“Have a boyfriend yet?” “How’s college?” “What are you majoring in?” “Where do you see yourself in ten years?”
No, great, Public Health, and as a troll living under a bridge.
We’ve all gotten these questions. More than we’d like. These questions can get a little uncomfortable, especially if it’s people who aren’t genuinely interested in you; they’re just using you as an excuse to detail the entirety of their college experience from start to finish. I’ve found that everyone’s created a little database in their brains, where they pull generic, sparse answers that still seem engaged yet disengaged, answers that yield minimal information about you yet are still interesting enough to make you look good.
This is probably the most adult thing ever. Crafting responses that will get you out of conversation? Guys, we’re playing the social game. It’s ever-so-thrilling.
Honestly, as long as you’re still alive (on the outside – I’m not asking for your soul to be alive), you’re probably a pretty functional adult: standards are low when you get to college. So, congrats on making it to almost functional adulthood! And here’s to making adulthood your bitch.
