College Hill Study Yields Revolutionary Findings on Economics

A two year and multimillion-dollar economics study conducted on College Hill recently concluded. The study, run by ENRISSION, attempted to find whether a business could be successful by only giving away free coffee. The conclusion is considered revolutionary in its field. As per the paper that the study published in the prestigious journal Scientific and Theoretical Utopian Project for Income Distribution, “giving away lots of free stuff doesn’t work”. Businesses, according to renowned economists, are organizations that attempt to make money. Some coffee companies, such as the small Seattle-based startup Starbucks, charge a positive amount of dollars in exchange for their coffee. Zero is very close to being positive, so one might expect that this difference wouldn’t have much effect. A previous study discovered that making money is distinct from moving large piles of cash from bank accounts to trash cans. However, the connection between moving large piles of money between bank accounts and the coffee mugs of Brown students had not yet been considered. The study’s conclusion—the concept that handing out consumable goods for no cost does not bring in money— has even received a special naming; it’s called the Shiru Theorem, named after the principal investigator of the study, Steve H. Theorem. Despite clearly useful results, such studies are highly controversial. In fact, the next study in the series (regarding giving away free college education) is a highly debated topic between 2020 democratic candidates. One of the frontrunners, Bernard (Bernie) Sandman, somehow believes that avoiding inescapable debt and bettering the education of the nation will be, in his words, “worth it”. Either way, much insight into economic behavior can always be gained from such practices and college students on a low budget will always be appreciative. In other news, college admission committees realize that giving free spots to children of wealthy white donors might not be the best way to increase diversity. Image via.