The Pornscape
Since you guys like watching porn so much, I guess I thought I’d write about it. So yeah. Porn. Uh, okay, so first things first: if you're looking around all cute and dumb and confused, well, stop it. Don’t pretend you’ve never watched before. Yeah, we see you. Don't make us go through your computer cookies and shit (illiterate non-CS major here). We will do that shit. And we will come for you. So don’t even try. Now that we’re being adults and honest with ourselves, let's talk porn.
Porn is actually the weirdest thing ever. Like you literally get comfy and watch other people have sex and, as best as you can, envision that its you, all while using your fingers, hands, toys ,and whatever else to try and mimic the feeling of what you're watching on your own genitals, so you can better embody and embrace the scene as reality. And even when we don’t watch porn (kudos to those of you who found the willpower and strength to quit) you can use your imagination. However it's not so much a raw version of your imagination, that you have to rely on. Unlike our ancestors (rip), by the age of 15, pretty much everyone knows what a vagina looks like and how to use a (insert bdsm toy name here) even though they’ve never actually so much as kissed another human before. But because most people have previously watched porn and thus are well educated as to what goes on during sexual intercourse, even during the few (very few) lonely nights without our phones or cell service we can still hit the NUT pretty well thanks to our stored mental database of pornographic knowledge.But honestly, porn, as damaging as it can be (that's a whole other topic), is truly a privilege. Now, i’m not just talking about iphone users being able view the full res HD versions as opposed to android users practically watching pixelated cartoon lookin ass shit but, with a portable phone of any kind we don’t have to go through the uncomfortable and traumatizing experience of walking into a blockbuster or sketchy corner store and purchasing X rated movies (21+ only btw). Not only that, but after the NUT we bloop. Click. Delete. tap. Clear history. Boom. No evidence (excuse me: well arguably no proof according to all you Computer Science Smart Asses). I mean I don’t even want to imagine what folks did in medieval times to relieve stress and lighten the load. I mean I guess if they were lucky, while out picking berries in the woods they’d stumble across two mammals in the heat of reproduction, and jump/hide behind a tree real quick and truly work for the NUT. Nowadays you ungrateful millennials be too lazy to beat your own meat you got fuckin pocket pussy machines and R2D2 lookin shit doing it for you. Smh. Where has the integrity and hard work that is masturbation gone? I mean can’t we all agree that when you work up a sweat and finally get the NUT its 10000x better?Editor's Note: Whoretney Kardashian's assertion that one has more "integrity" if they masturbate to animals having intercourse does not represent the opinions of the editorial board or the Blognonian as a whole.
On the other hand you lazy mofos these days can get the NUT in the comfort of your bed, swaddled in your 750 thread count Givenchy sheets while listening for soft indie rock (to set the mood just right) for free*. We don’t even have to pay for porn hub subscriptions (unless you're REALLy that into it. damn.) due to the dozens of free sites each with millions of great quality porn videos of all genres. I mean what our forefathers & mothers had to go through to beat their meat is unreal. So next time thanksgiving dinner comes around and everyone is saying what they're thankful for, don't you dare fucking forget porn. Ingrates.I may even argue (because most of you fuckers have been slaves to the internet porn world since you were about 12) that by the time you finally roll around to to losing your V card, you won’t necessarily be a totally clueless stranger to the human body nor the 1000’s of different sexual geometries to try with your partner. You may have failed both of your midterms in your non-S/NC classes, but take comfort in knowing your sex game is probably 10 fold better than your grandpa or grandma’s back in the day. Gold Star.
It wasn't easy back then. I mean picture this: little medieval baker boy that's never even seen a p*ssy before has a date to get it on with the butcher’s daughter by the riverbed at nightfall. The poor boy’s probably wondering “Which fucking hole doth thou fucking stick it in? Hell, does she even know?” In his defense, there are two holes down there (technically 3 if we're counting the urethra and opening ourselves to the possibility that he has a remarkable micropenis).
And, back in those days, sex was a staunchly taboo subject altogether, so it's not exactly like he even had the option to not pay attention during Sex Ed class like you losers. And yeah, I’m sure the village witch could tell him all about it… That is, if sex with the butcher's daughter was really worth the risk of burning alive and sacrificing his newborn brother (it is). Prime example of coupling virginity with zero porn education.Wow. Oops. This is really starting to sound like a pro-porn argument. I promise you it's not. Just a little cunnilingus for thot. Okay, enjoy the rest of your afternoon… and remember, Bruno is always watching;)
Reply & Comment your favorite porn genre below. Drop links if you’re bold. YEE YEE.
*The Blognonian does not condone the theft of pornography from sex workers or distribution without compensation