Food and Sex: Where Climax Meets Creme Brûlée

2:00 a.m. conversation over a blunt:

Me: “You know what’d be so amazing?”

Sid: “What?”

Me: “Eating a hot fudge chocolate cake ---”

Sid: “Oh, that’d be so good!"

Me: “... while having sex...”

Both: ”‘OOouuuuuh!”

Clichés are only clichés because they are usually true. Many of the best revelations about life really do come to you when you’re high out of your mind. Unlike most normal people, I make it my mission to fulfill every drunken/high fantasy that creeps across my mind. It was only a few short weeks after this conversation with my friend that I found myself testing out the multitudes of foods and treats that can be exponentially more enjoyable when followed by intense climax.He calls me his queen and claims his di*ck is my throne. I say then that he better get to feeding and serving me. Now, I can already tell what a few of you prudes are thinking: “Oh, that's an interesting theory, but it's just not plausible. And it's messy.” Well, let me be the first to tell you (freshmen) to listen up and leave the advice-giving to those of us who have more experience with the human body than a 5 on the AP Bio exam. And to those of you beautiful fools who are still actually considering this -- well, good. Listen up. I’m about to give you a little peek into my sex diary and show you how I literally “spice” things up in bed.Step one: Drug paraphernalia. Yes. It's a necessary requirement for what is about to go down in bed. If you do not have any of the required prerequisites shown below, please excuse yourself. No override codes shall be given. So why do we need to be anything but sober when eating in bed? Because when I say eating in bed, I mean it. I’m not talking about strawberries and whipped cream. None of that cute Hallmark bullshit. I mean that we’re eating full course meals. And when you’re under the influence, what's not to love? Popcorn tastes like candy. Candy tastes like unicorns. And if I was tripping on acid, I’d probably attempt eat a unicorn, too. 

Step two: Now that you’re nice and fucked up with your partner, choosing the correct foods to enjoy can be fatal. Yes, you read that correctly. This is life and death. We don’t need any amateurs choking on grapes or sunflower seeds.

And nothing kills the mood faster than having to chew a tough piece of steak one thousand times before you can swallow.

I recommend you stick to soft, easily chewable foods. Like hamburgers (or veggie burgers for you vegan freaks),

hotdogs,

 or really any easily handheld food. And if you’re really high maintenance, moderately heated sautéed salmon is pretty good, too.However, be careful and make sure to rule out any hot foods. The absolute last thing you need while riding cowgirl is to drop a scorching hot slice of meat lover's pizza on your lover's face.  Nothing kills the mood like first degree burns. DO really explore the world of soft pastries like chocolate lava cake, muffins, cupcakes, donuts, etc. Let the sweet flavors take you everywhere he probably can’t.And don’t worry if it gets a little messy. If that fudge drips, he can lick that sh*it off my pu***y. Right, ladies?

             

 Finally, stay away from what I like to call excessively fluid foods. Ladies, if you’re slurping anything other than him, that's probably not a good move. As much as we all love Mom's spaghetti and Grandma’s chicken noodle soup, please keep that sh*t out of bed! 

I wish you luck and with these tips give you my ultimate blessing. Go forward. Get thick. Get dick. And "bone" appetit!

 Editor's Note: That's right, our weekly sex column, Sextion, is back with a brand-new writer! Check out past sextions here, and get ready to have a freaky fall semester with Blog. ;)