A case for the medical mask: Tips for staying healthy during your first weeks back

It starts with a scratchy throat. It quickly turns into an all-out assault on the larynx and nasal passages. In my family, it’s known as the “Jew-boy cold” (a la Phillip Roth or Woody Allen). To those who have never experienced this, god bless you.But I can safely say most people know this feeling—it’s been about two weeks back at Brown. You’ve gone out every night. You drank rum from a plastic bottle at 2 am. You brushed shoulders with that very interesting-looking character in a sweaty basement. You had to take a 3 a.m. shower. Maybe you kissed a few (or a handful of) people. Your immune system is angry. You are worried about getting sick. According to my non-extensive research, the medical mask can help solve this problem. Here’s a few reasons why you should go ahead and throw one on:

• Most germs enter the body when your dirty hands touch your mouth or nose. Medical masks prevent this. Just don’t pick at your ears, that’s gross. Self-control please.
• They physically prevent alcohol consumption and the further fucking up of your immune system.
• You will find yourself with at least three feet of separation between you and gawkers at most social occasions, preventing risk of infection.
• Nobody random will try to kiss you. The logistics will perplex.
• You’re a trendsetter! The mask is your ticket to #influencer status.

But I get it, the mask isn’t for everybody. Here are some other ideas for avoiding infection:

• Hand Sanitizer. The kind with Aloe Vera. Sublime.
• Tastes bad. Might work. Probably doesn’t.
• Echinacea and herbal “immunity” supplements. These placebos are beautiful.
• Eat breakfast. Make sure it includes bacon and eggs. This is critical.
• Avoid sweaty basements. Unless a great band is playing. Then go.

 ***Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I got a B- in 10^th grade chemistry. Just a guy who gets a lot of colds. Stay healthy out there.***