Where Brown’s best bachelorxes are hiding (literally)
On February 24th, Penn's 34th Street Magazine released an article titled, "Penn's Most Eligible Bachelorettes: You were wondering where the good ones were hiding. We're here to help." The next day, they released the article's counterpart, "Penn's Most Eligible Bachelors." Both pieces featured the best of Penn's Tinder feed, complete with quotes like, "I hooked up with this girl and then I ran into her and her friend at a party. She was trying to go home with me but I was very into her friend. And her friend happened to also know Chinese. I told her in Chinese ‘I’m not interested in your friend but I’m interested in you.’ She said ‘I like you too’ in Chinese back to me. She helped her friend get home and then she came back to my house.”We loved this piece. We loved it so much that we decided to show you where Brown's most eligible bachelorxes have been hiding.Like, literally, where they've been hiding. 
Gus Esselstyn '17
Gus has been hiding in the Bear's Lair, pretending to exercise while actually just reclining in trendy athleisure attire. Let's be real–if he was working out, he wouldn't settle for anything less than the Nelson.Most sought after characteristics in a partner: "Good hands."Your badass side: "I steal peanut butter from the Blue Room sometimes." The best item in your closet: "I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been there in a while." 
Sydney Anderson '19
Sydney's been hiding on the Hope College Roof, surveying her kingdom from up above.How she got up there: "I don't know, I just skrrtd on up here."Where she's been looking for bae: “In the Hillel.” 
Kenny Volkmann '16.5
We found Kenny camouflaging in the SciLi basement, because he never wears brightly colored, eccentric, attention-drawing clothing, and he is very quiet, all of the time.The best way to catch his eye: "Hey, let me finish that problem set for you!"Oral skills on a scale of 1 to 10: "People have said I am incapable of being quiet, like, who's that obnoxious engineer in the 25 decibel section?! So probably not that great. Though it does come in handy when, say, standing on a chair in the middle of a party but you can't get down safely but need to tell someone to play "Work" ASAP..." 
Chloe Kibble '17
Don't be fooled by Chloe's genie pants. When it comes to a campus tour, she blends right in.Why she's hiding here: "I'm casually observing this tour group filled with yt desperation."How she sounds in bed: "Sexy silly funky fun™"Her dirty side: "As a fulltime thot I have no idea what you mean by 'side.'" 
Tim Taliaferro '18
Tim is a floating head sheltered beneath stylish hats.His best move: "Saying 'Hi,' but saying it really smooth. If they try to keep talking I make really attentive eye contact." How he's stayed single: "People look at me and just assume I’m off the market…Or at least I hope so. They do right?" 
Benjamin Koatz '16
Ben blends in by molding their body to the curves of the Henry Moore statue.
Your best move: "When I was 13, it was how well I could do the cha-cha slide. Nowadays my best move is my willingness to pay for cupcakes at Duck & Bunny." Your badass side: "When I’m incredibly inebriated and making late night mac 'n cheese, I put cayenne pepper in it to give it a kick."How you stay hidden: "I usually like to maintain myself in heavily floral environments. You can usually catch me around your local botanical garden,or at a Soleil show."
Look again...
Wait for it...
Closer...
Hugo Hansen '19
Hugo is like Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception but with hiding. He hides inside of other people's hiding. Obviously, he is therefore one of our most eligible.
Where you've been hiding: “Where have I been hiding? In the Blue Room, scrapbooking my tasteful nudes.”His badass side: "Bringing a thermos of Cabernet into screenings of LGBT+ period dramas.” 
Josh Stern '18
Josh is very tall and large, though svelte, and he has been hiding underneath this couch in the formerly silent space that is Leung Gallery. When he isn't hiding here, you can find him playing rugby.
How he's stayed single: "Daddy issues."
Why your mom will love him: "I'm really hoping she has two dads."
His badass side: "Once I broke a $20 bill on a pack of gum."
How he sounds in bed: "Caring."
Amara Berry '17
Amara hides in the Gender Studies section of the Rock stacks. In her spare time, she's Miss Rhode Island World 2015.
Her badass side: "I like wearing spike heels while kicking the patriarchy in pursuit of world peace."How she’s stayed single: "Definitely the crown on my head."Why your mom will love her: "I have the perfect trophy wife prep. I know how to throw parties, avoid controversy, and contour my cheek in under five seconds." 
Marion Wellington '16
No, the music you've been hearing in the mail room isn't Marion singing. She only does that if you shred a piece of paper in her machine. ;)
Fuck/Marry/Kill, Supreme Court Edition: "I would have killed Scalia, but..."Oral skills on a scale of 1 to 10: "6.9."Why she's hiding in the mail room: "The incredible tunes are the only sustenance I need. Plus, there was no femail room so I work with what I got." 
Madison White '18
Madison has been hiding in Skewers. We think this might be the best hiding spot yet.
How she's stayed single: "I feel like I spend 85% of my time napping and that kinda gets in the way of meeting new people." How she sounds in bed: "I talk in my sleep." Her badass side: "I play lacrosse at Brown so I guess I could check the shit out of you if necessary." 
Prae Leeswadtrakul '18
Prae hides in the reflection of the Bio Med windows, so you'll never run into her in real life... except in those five seconds when you check yourself out while sprinting up Brown Street.
How you've stayed single: "I'm not single."
Okay, well, what's your dirty side? "My room."
Is your favorite song from Mulan "Reflections?" "Shut up."
Images via Matteo Mobilio '16.5