Making the first move

Content Warning: This article mentions sexual abuse and deals with consent.Now that Valentine’s Day has passed, and the scramble is (debatably) on, the only obstacle left between you and your soon-to-be spring fling is the first move. Whether you’ve had a banter going all semester and regularly exchange snapchats or you’re eyeing a stranger in upper Salomon, you’ve probably caught yourself wondering who is going to act first? Should it be you, or is that too forward? Should you wait around for them to drop a hint, or is that a waste of time? No matter your identity, there are bound to be questions, so we at Blog wanted to see what students across the board thought about what goes into that “first move.” We crafted a survey that aimed to explore the different intersections of gender and sexuality, in accords with getting one’s flirt on. Here are the results!Understanding that some aspects of the first move were bound to be omitted, we asked participants if there was anything that we left out, or that they did not get the chance to talk about. These responses also give insight into the low yield of data from members of the Brown community who identify as part of the queer community, which were included under the umbrella terms "Queer Men" and "Queer Women" for our survey, although we recognize that these terms do not fully cover all sexual and gender identities. In the spirit of giving our results more depth, here are some of the thoughtful open-ended responses we received:

• “In my position, making the first move can be really risky because the chance that the person you're speaking to is gay is relatively small and historically straight men do not always respond well to being hit on by gay men.”
• “I am more comfortable when women make the first move on me than when men do. It's almost a total reversal. I'd hardly ever make the first move on another woman, but I nearly always do on men. In my experience with [non-binary] folks, it tends to relate to how they are presenting on that given day. Weird, huh? Someone could probably write their GNSS thesis on that.”
• “It's so hard to be genderqueer and know whether or not people are even interested in you, let alone if you should make the move...”
• “As someone who is perceived by society as male, I feel like I am expected to make the first move (i.e. lean in for the kiss after a date and such), but I am not comfortable with this. I don't know if it's because I've been sexually abused, but I just can't approach someone that way if it's not explicitly consensual—I know how bad that felt for me, and I don't want anyone to have that kind of negative experience because of me.”
• “With gay guys there are fewer expectations for the dynamic, so that is partly worked out in the exchange of who makes the first move. Also you don't know what to expect—how does he like to dance? What is he looking for? The traditional narratives and analysis often don't apply. It's a mess.”
• “I think girls should ask out guys more if they are hetero. The contrivances that guys should ask a girl out first and be the one to go for the kiss are annoying and make it hard for girls to get what they want.”
• “While making the first move can be rooted in societal expectations related to gender and sexual identity, other intersectional identities can sometimes play a greater role in someone's willingness to engage in a romantic conversation with someone else. Personally, my race and socioeconomic background have more influence on my decision to 'make the first move' than my gender and sexual orientation.”

In general, some people expressed that the survey’s available answers were too polarizing. Some people felt that it was easy to “read between the lines” and get a sense of the other person’s level of interest, and then neither party was making a clear first move. Other people felt an almost paralyzing sense of anxiety when it came to coming on too strong, out of fear of being seen as too aggressive or desperate (particularly heterosexual girls), as well as a concern for making the object of their interest uncomfortable. Some respondents said they were nervous about putting themselves in vulnerable positions for rejection, and that due to gender norms, it was more acceptable for certain identities to “strike out” versus others.If there was one universal takeaway from the freelance survey responses, it was the importance of context. Both reading body language, and being receptive to someone’s rejection are extremely important in making sure that unwanted advances are avoided. There is a difference between being confident and aggressive, and while many students wanted their peers to be more outgoing, they also wanted to feel safe, and make sure that consent was given. That being said, take initiative (in a respectful way) and finally make the move on the special person you’ve been eyeing! Of course, a number of responses mentioned hating genders norms, or simply “F*** the Patriarchy.” Some things at Brown University are to be expected.Image via. Graphic via Jokichi Matsubara ‘18