Senior Scramble, Unshelled

The senior scramble is just the latest dance craze sweeping nursing homes across the nation. Or, in a slightly more relevant sense, the scramble is an annual phenomenon in which the soon-to-be-graduated class makes a point of attempting to consummate their long standing crushes, as well as lowering their inhibitions when it comes to casual flings. In less clinical terms, it is a very sexy stretch of time where college seniors are simultaneously hornier than usual and giving less f**ks (or more depending on how you look at it). To fellow seniors this means: Worst case scenario--I’ll never see you again. To ground it in the personal for the non-graduates: we’re leaving, so love us like you’re going to lose us. Because you will. Seriously, we’re as shocked as you are, but it looks like we will actually make it to graduation.While some may argue that it is still cuffing season (due to cold weather conditions, and the increase in local handcuff retailers), we want to posit that since not everyone participates in temperature dependent relationships, it is never too early to start the scramble. Given that the scramble could start anytime, anywhere, we have decided to throw you some tips–courtesy of some people who know what’s up (according to ourselves).

• The metaphor “scramble” probably refers to the hasty and quick behavior exhibited when you realize your college pool of booty is about to dry up. However, this is a boring etymology. We prefer to think of it like eggs. Probably because, as college students, we are always hungry. So in keeping with the better metaphor: change your preference from the high-class, meaningful omelet to the simpler pleasures of scrambled hen products. Scramble as many eggs as you can, girl! If you don’t like eggs, scramble a different food.

• Keep your options open! (Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.) Sure, you may not be able to keep your eyes off that one hottie you always see in the panini line, but that doesn’t mean you can’t shop elsewhere. If you’re a stickler for monogamy, the scramble could be the perfect opportunity to try something new.

• Along with that, don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Don’t worry about baskets, period. If you don’t get with the person of your dreams, it was still worth the effort. Basically, only think about baskets if they are a prop you’re using (wicker is very in). If at first you don’t succeed, fry, fry, fry again. Not everyone is DTS (down to scramble) and that’s okay! One of the key elements of the senior scramble is the increased ability to move on. You have a bright future ahead of you. Plus, you know what’s better than that one egg you used to be pre-occupied with? Two eggs. Just ask the waiters at Louis. 

• No one should enter this holding the expectation that their peers somehow owe them sexy time. The scramble is like the ocean: it knows no master and it isn't beholden to anyone. Treat people kindly and with respect. You're a senior, but you're also a human being, not a cock–so don't act like one.

• You never know how them eggs are going to turn out! While the authors of this post may swing towards “the more the merrier,” it's totally possible for you to find real love in your last months of college. If you put yourself out there, anything could happen–even a connection that continues post Van Wickle Gates.

• Lastly, be sure to preheat and butter your pan. We’ll leave that to your imagination. Is it an innuendo, or are we actually instructing you how to properly fry eggs? The world may never know.

Senior scrambling, like breakfast, is the most important meal of the day all about having fun. To ensure that everyone has a good time, remember to use protection, make sure that your potential partners feel safe, and always, ALWAYS ask for consent!Images via Kenji Endo '18, via, via, via.